(The image featured is from the cover of the January 1956 issue of Galaxy magazine.)

Each year for the Virtual Advent Blog Tour, Kailana and I agree to share Christmas Eve. We do our best to do something creative, with varying degrees of success. Kailana reminded me that back in 2008 we wrote a story together and this year we decided to revisit that idea. Consider it your early Christmas present…or perhaps the coal in your stocking.

Conventional wisdom tells us that Santa Claus’ bag of toys is an Object of Power, a relic of the days when the Fae walked openly among us. How else could a rotund, bearded man deliver precisely what is asked for to houses the world over, all in one night, if not for a sack powered by fairy dust? It is a nearly flawless system of wish fulfillment…nearly. Here we see one of the rare, unintended consequences of bringing something magical into the home of the mundane.

I’ll Have a Blu-ray Christmas, Because of You

The Smith family’s wishes were fairly simple, nothing complicated for the Big Guy to conjure up as payment for Mrs. Smith’s delectable homemade cookies. Bobby Smith wanted a selection of Christmas movies to nurture his obsession with the season of Yule; Susie Smith was a budding science fiction fan and had a list of old and new science fiction films that she had asked for when writing to Santa. The presents delivered under the tree as promised, ol’ Saint Nick was just polishing off the last of the ginger snaps when he turned to head up the chimney and knocked over both stacks of movies with his magic bag, scattering blu-ray cases and unseen fairy dust everywhere. With a shake of his bearded head and an exasperated sigh, he hurriedly replaced the films under the tree and shot off up the chimney to continue his once-a-year rounds.

All was right with the world.

At least until the next morning when a couple of giddy young movie buffs ran off to their respective rooms to enjoy their Santa gifts.

The unsuspecting Smith siblings are about to find out what happens to the people and the places showcased in all their blu-ray glory when fairy magic gets involved. Let’s look over the shoulders of Bobby and Susie as they randomly try film after film in an attempt to figure out just what in the world is going on.

(If you’ve read this far, be warned: this is the point at which everything goes off the rails.)

A Christmas Story

The scene opens with young Ralphie sitting at the table, daydreaming of the heroics that will be his when he finally gets his Red Ryder BB gun…

As Ralphie crouches at the open window poised to take aim at Black Bart and his villainous cronies, a legion of white armor clad Stormtroopers vault the wooden fence of Ralphie’s back yard, scorching Bumpus hounds in their wake. The vision shocks Ralphie out of his revelry, but in the lingering moments of the daydream he could have sworn he heard a “Hallelujuah!” shouted in a wheezing, labored mechanical voice.

Oblivion

Tom Cruise gazes lovingly across a small pond at Olga Kurylenko. His voice narrating over the scene:

“I am Jack Harper. And I am home.”

The scene quickly shifts to an enormous spacefaring vessel, a familiar blue planet dominating the ship’s viewing screen. We interrupt a conversation between Princess Leia, Governor Tarkin and Darth Vader.

Governor Tarkin: “There. You see, Lord Vader, she can be reasonable. Continue with the operation; you may fire when ready.”

Earth disintegrates from the powerful blast. The movie credits roll with music by M83.

Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan

Interior Scene: The U.S.S Enterprise. Captain Kirk on the bridge. On the viewer we see the cloudy expanse of the Mutara Nebula. Somewhere out there is the enemy, bent on the destruction of Captain Kirk and the Enterprise crew.

Kirk: “Where is he? Spock!!! Sulu!!! Someone tell what is going on out there!”

Spock (gazing at the instrument panel at the science station): “Fascinating. Captain, the enemy has been sighted…and…most illogical!”

Kirk: “What is it, Spock?”

Spock: “It appears to be…well…logic would dictate..

Kirk: “Dammit, man! Report!”

Spock: “It would appear to be a giant felt puppet, and he’s…throwing fish.”

Kirk: “Fish? What kind of fish?”

Spock: “My scans indicate cod, Captain.”

Kirk: “Cod?…”COOOOOOODDDDDD!!!!”

Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town

A stop-motion Fred Astaire has sung his song and is off to deliver his mail. The scene shifts to the doorstep of the Kringle residence. There is a knock on the door.

Dingle: “Wiggle my ears and tickle my toes, methinks I see a baby’s nose! It’s more than a nose. There’s a whole baby attached to it. Better call my brothers! Wingle! Bingle! Tingle! Zingle!”

Zingle: “What is it, Dingle?”

Wingle: “It’s a baby, Zingle.”

Tingle: “A baby what, Wingle?”

Bingle: “Ummm…I’m not so sure. Tanta?”

Tanta Kringle squeezes through the doorway and pulls back the cover to reveal a creature that may or may not be cute, depending on how much eggnog one has drunk, but is certainly not the child she expected. The creature in the bassinette speaks:

“E.T. phone hoooooommmme.”

It’s a Wonderful Life

We pan in on a bridge overlooking a river. It is a snow-filled Christmas Eve. A disheveled man jumps from the bridge, hoping to end it all.

The man splashes and cries out.

Nothing happens.

A voice from heaven cries out: “Clarence!?!? Clarence get in there, this is your one opportunity, your chance to earn those wings! Don’t just stand there! Clarence!!!”

Another voice replies: “I’m sorry to disappoint you but I am merely a protocol droid, versed in over six million forms of etiquette. I don’t believe the water would be good for my servos.”

Continued on Kailana’s page (if you can bear to continue after these groaners! 🙂 ) (p.s.: Feel free to make up your own movie mash-ups in the comments)