(photo by Obsessive Compulsive Photographer)
I am never one to shy away from telling a funny story, especially when I am the butt of the joke.
This time I mean that literally.
(Warning: This post is not for the faint of heart. Do not take with food or on a full stomach. Do not swim for at least 30 minutes after reading. And for gosh sakes don’t blame me…I did warn you after all!)
I work in the social work field. What that means is that I am in a minority group when it comes to my place of employment. I am a man in a field dominated by the fairer sex. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, just a point of fact. One that the women in leadership roles often joke about when we manage to have a meeting where there are actually two men present instead of just the usual one: me!
I also work in an old, decrepit building. A building that we will be abandoning in a little over a year. Our building has went through many incarnations in its life and is a true labyrinth. There are offices within offices and closets where closets ought not to be and we have a proliferation of bathrooms in the oddest of places, many of which were truly and honestly closets at one point and have since been converted for use for the most natural of human traits: the need to urinate and defecate.
Have you seen the American Pie movies? I can identify with the character of Paul Finch, affectionately known as ‘shit break’ in one important way: I’m not a big fan of the public restroom experience when it comes to good ol’ Number Two. Not for any fears of germs, more from the fact that at any time someone may be waiting to come in right after me and although everyone does it, I am still not a fan of sharing my odors with my co-workers. Oversharing? Just you wait.
So, most of the time if I have to resort to using the toilet at work there are one or two hardly-ever-used bathrooms where I can spend some meditative time and most likely not open the door to see a line of people waiting to take my place on the warm seat. There is also a bathroom directly across from my office that I pretty much NEVER use. The walls are paper thin and it shares walls with my administrative assistant AND one of my workers.
Today I went against my better instincts and decided to use that bathroom…or should I say closet, because this is one tiny space. My administrative assistant was off sick and everyone in my suite was gone for the day and no one seemed to be anywhere around…so, no harm no foul! In I went.
In this fun old building the doors do not always shut well and so each and every time without fail I push really hard until I hear the door ‘click’ and then I lock it. I was in the middle of dropping the kids off at the pool…a particularly odoriferous pool for that matter…when I heard steps approaching. No worries I thought, they’ll soon depart. Instead, the person had a head of steam like a runaway freight train and literally pushed on the door so hard and so fast that the lock didn’t matter, it just opened…
And there I was, pasty white ass perched on the throne (at least a hairy-legged side view anyway). Thankfully the door only opened a couple of inches and, as I quickly reached to shove it back closed, I heard a startled ‘Oh!’ and off the person went. I know that it is one of the ladies who works up on this floor. I fortunately…or perhaps unfortunately…have no idea who it was.
Rest assured it is most likely one of my employees and the sight of their boss’ 40 year old behind sitting on the toilet will be the stuff of their nightmares for weeks to come! I ask you, is there any more vulnerable place to be in than to have someone walk in on you mid-turd? I contend that there is not.
And yet it must be a result of my recent peace and tranquility that I didn’t flush in embarrassment (I’m talking about my cheeks here…not the toilet…or those cheeks!) or think ‘Oh Lord, how will I ever live this down’. My first thought was to chuckle because I knew I couldn’t resist blogging about it!
I am a strange man.
Forgive me one and all.
Okay I’m laughing, but it’s not quite the same when you’re a woman using a unisex bathroom and it’s a guy who tries to the door …
Well, we’ve all been there. (and thanks BTW for the dedication).
Mine goes that at the first place I worked out of school was a particularly old, smelly hospital that had the same closet/water closet combos. I sat down in one of the more private out-of-the way ones for a time of contemplation with People magazine. I heard the same hurried footsteps coming but to my horror I forgot to lock the door which was a good 6 feet away from this one holer. Fortunately, it turned out to be a male co-worker and I just raised my right hand when he opened the door and said “Hi-Five!”.
He was more embarrassed than I was and after he quickly shut the door I could hear him lean back against it and heave-ho laugh and say “Hi-Five?”.
To this day it makes me chuckle.
Tom: I’ve been cracking up about it all evening. I certainly think I was at the better end, so to speak, of today’s exchange. I’m hoping for her sake she didn’t see anything. If she did it will take a long time to burn that image from her mind! š
Jen: No, probably wouldn’t be as funny from that perspective. Odd how that works.
It it odd how it works. If my guy had a similar story he would not waste time in repeating it, but I would never admit to it. lol In a way I am glad that he does not blog…
Kailana: I’m not sure men ever grow out of that childhood fascination with the humor of bodily functions.
That is so funny, Carl! Thank God you weren’t hovering in mid-wipe!
Karen: No doubt, hadn’t thought of that. Oh my, it could have been much worse!
oh man. I am fortunate to live 2 blocks from my job and try to hold things like that until after work or break time (TMI time- I’ve noticed as one gets older that’s not so easy). I do this mostly because the genius who designed my workplace made the one unisex employee bathroom adjacent to the break room. I used to take lunch in my car when I lived too far to go home since that was when everyone else had to go. Way back then I was in my early 20s and the only employee under 65 so I was pretty grossed out.
LOL! Too funny. Actually, I have a very similar story from a few years ago, when I worked in an office… A male colleague stormed at the door so hard (must have been a desperate situation) that he broke the bolt and burst in…
Elaine: Hey!!! I just popped over to your site yesterday and thought, “I should send her an email”. By the way, my new email address is poegeek (at) gmail (dot) com for you and anyone who wants it. Your situation definitely sounds like mine!!!
Sam: Ha! Yes, the joys of aging.
LOL!!! That was hilarious!! Thank you for such a great laugh, I loved it….I just hope it never happens to me lol
TMI Carl! Just kidding. Ah well, at least you can laugh about this! š
I know what you are talking about from the social work aspect, since I was in that field for a while…. at my last job my boss was the only male in the entire office! At least we had separate male/female bathrooms there. Whew!
Okay, my first thought was, “I’ve got to have Rich read this!” knowing he’d likely laugh even harder than I. But quickly following that thought was, “What are you thinking, Debra Anne?!! Lord knows what he might then find as appropriate blogging material for himself.” š
Debi: Yes, you certainly don’t want to encourage this type of behavior! I’ve certainly heard many similar stories since sharing this. š
Valerie: I will be using the separate male bathroom from now on, at least I know the door latch on that one is more secure!
Iliana: No, you’re exactly right…waaaaay to much information!!! š
Kristina: You’re welcome, I’ve enjoyed the laugh myself and I certainly hope it never happens to you as well.
Holy crap.
That was an awesome story. And that is all I have to say about that š
Holy Crap! Mid-wipe! Were oh were is thread swirling away too. š
The opposite has happened to me several times. I work offshore with almost all male ship crews, several of which seem incapable of shutting the door. The number of men I have nearly walked in on would astonish you! And the toilets are particularly grubby too. Not pleasant! I feel your pain!
Mariel: I feel for you. I am not one of those ‘messy toilet’ men. Somehow I managed to be able to hit the target from both ends rather than get somewhere in the general vicinity like some guys seems to think is good enough. Like I said, whoever it was who walked in on me got the worse end of the deal, so I feel your pain.
Jeff: Thankfully it wasn’t mid-wipe, then I think I might have been mortified. I was in deep contemplation when this person walked in. TP was not in the mix at that point. š
Kim: It was something, that’s for sure! š
Your sense of humor is just too strange, Carl….
I will admit I had to chuckle, though.
Qugrainne: Just keeping it real! š