How do you do it, fellow bloggers? How do you manage to engage yourself in potentially meaningful conversations online and share a different point of view than others involved in the same conversation without coming off as a jerk? The internet is a faulty construct within which we attempt to have a dialogue with one another. It is faulty because it places a great deal of the responsibility of interpretation into the hands of whomever is reading what you write. They do not have the benefit of sitting across from you, hearing your inflection and tone, observing your body language, seeing your facial expressions. And yet it is a much better construct than what we have had previously as this medium allows an infinite variety of people to connect and discuss any subject under the sun. I do not want to throw out the proverbial baby with the bathwater, and so I covet your advice.
Engaging in potentially controversial discussions online is a path I seldom travel. I avoid this for a number of reasons:
1. I want to be friends. I am a peacemaker at heart. I like to attempt to inspire, encourage, uplift and love others.
2. As a supervisor I spend a good part of my day being the end of the line–enforcing rules and regulations and making decisions about how things are going to be done. While I try to solicit employee input, the end result is that I have to take a stand and so the last thing I want to do when I get home is get online and start taking stands on issues.
3. I have never been able to walk away from an encounter when I have had a disagreement with someone or shared a dissenting opinion without feeling a heaviness and vulnerability that I am not comfortable with. I always analyze what I’ve said or done and second guess myself or think of ways I could have avoided hurt feelings, etc. I even feel this way when I have no indication that I have hurt someone else’s feelings. I don’t need that kind of angst in my online relationships.
4. While I have strong opinions on many a subject I have not taken the time to adequately research my opinions, and more than likely I won’t. It is not that I don’t have the time as there are things I could set aside in order to pursue knowledge, it is just that I don’t take the time. It may sound shallow, but it seems to me that the quest to obtain detailed facts on every single thing that I have a strong opinion on would be to step onto the path of madness. It is an overwhelming task. And yet I feel somewhat guilty if I take a stance or encourage you to do so if I have not taken the time to examine it from all sides. Again this is something I have to do at work and am loathe to do at home.
Nonetheless, on occasion I find myself engaged in these very kinds of conversations. Perhaps something I read strikes me the wrong way and I feel compelled to respond. At times I have felt like a participant in one of those conversations is being misunderstood and/or unjustly criticized and I feel compelled to take a stand with them or to help mediate the conversation. On other occasions a subject is so interesting that I cannot help but put in my two cents.
As long as we are all on the same side during these conversations then I am alright. But when I express an opinion that differs I often feel wretched about it afterwards no matter how hard I try to make sure what I have just typed expresses exactly what I am trying to convey. And once you hit ‘submit’ it is not always easy or possible to take back what you have just said. Oh the emotional baggage.
I do not and will not often post the kind of posts here that open up the possibility for arguments or heated discussions. That isn’t to say that I don’t welcome all opinions, it is just that it is pretty rare that folks feel the need to engage in potentially controversial conversations over the things I post about: movies, books, art. And yet it is those very conversations that can be so richly rewarding and can create meaningful dialogue, necessary change, and lasting friendships.
I do not want to shy away from opening a door. I do not want to turn away from an inviting path. I also do not want to be an ass when I am sharing my thoughts on a subject nor do I want to walk away and spend the next 24-48 hours feeling like an ass.
Once again, I am asking for advice. What do you do? Do you avoid these kind of conversations as well? Do you engage in them and feel wretched for having done so? Or have you mastered the art of engaging in intentional or unintentional online skirmishes with the ability to come away unscathed while those you conversed with feel unscathed too? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this subject. As I said at the beginning, I covet them. I do not want to cheat myself out of the growth that can come from the exchange of ideas. I do not want to bury my head in the sand to avoid potential controversy. But I also want to at least diminish the feelings of shame I feel after I have hit ‘submit’.
I typically avoid these kinds of conversations, and for the reasons you so artfully described. I have wondered, however, if that isn’t a cowardly response on my part. I tend assume everyone else is the expert and I shouldn’t chime in when I don’t have something substantive to contribute.
Like you I’m more of a peacemaker at heart, so I tend to avoid the situations. Generally, if I feel I don’t have anyting positive to add, I just don’t add it.
Of course there are plenty of times when it is a bit on the unavoidable side of things and I feel a need to be more honest than nice (because they do sometimes come in opposition to each other). In thise situations I tend to try and be as curtious as possible, but I’m certain I can come accross as an arrogant jerk at times. If that happens, I try not to let it bother me.
Number three goes for me, too.
Sometimes I feel I would be a better blogger if I were more willing to bare my soul and be controversial… and then I think, no. That’s really not me, and the people who come to my blog don’t come there expecting drama.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with being a peacemaker… and certainly, the world would be much more peaceful and probably a better place in many ways if more of us were cautious about involving ourselves in situations where we don’t really know what we’re talking about.
In person, I tend to add little disclaimers a lot when people ask my opionion. If they really want to know what I think, I’ll tell them, but I’m not going to pretend to knowledge I don’t have.
I’m afraid I can be of absolutely no help. Because I could have written this post myself. Well, I couldn’t have written it anywhere nearly as eloquently or anything. But I share your feelings. Every one of those reasons rings true. O.K., maybe not number 2, except that I even feel a bit of that in my role as “Mom”.
But I agree with you…I think a lot can be learned when people feel free to voice opposing viewpoints. But when you’re not face-to-face (and sometimes even when you are), it’s hard to realize when misunderstandings are occurring. Simply because I disagree with someone doesn’t mean I don’t respect their opinion…but how do you make sure that part of the message is coming through?
I’m anxious to hear what other have to say, but it looks like so far, we’re not a lot of help, huh?
To be honest, the media community off LJ really confuses me because there’s this culture of politeness that is so extreme, that if I challenge a blogger’s opinion, I’m viewed as THREATENING them and their “peace”, being rude and a troll, rather than simply inviting them to have a dialogue with me about our differing opinions so we can learn something.
Generally, as I was where you are back in 2005, I worried about everyone else’s feelings to the detriment of my own. My advice is to a) be yourself, b) be honest, c) do not worry about what tone/motives other people are going to assign to your text because 90% of the time, it has more to do with their mindset at the time than any failing in you and if they can’t express to you exactly what you said that bothered them, it’s best to assume the issue was on their end.
I do think this is an issue, too, with people simply having an aversion to challenging their comfort zones and mistaking a challenge like this as, “oh noez, my feelings!” Yeah, NO, not the same thing.
The key to not feeling like an ass is to not assume you weren’t an ass until someone calls you on it and then examine REALLY closely whether that person is playing the victim card because they’re not used to their comfort zones being challenged before admitting fault or gently making your point to them again OR backing off. You do not have to implicate yourself each time someone takes issue with your words, because that way lies madness and guilt you do not own. But then, your community and mine seem like polar opposites? This could be the worst advice ever.
Don’t worry, Carl, you absolutely do NOT come off as a jerk. I know what you mean about worrying that you’re sounding too aggressive without the help of tone of voice, facial expressions, etc. But all of us who read your blog realize what a nice guy you are. You respect people even if you disagree with them, and that comes across in the way in which you express yourself.
Debate is good and healthy. Even the best of friends disagree about things, and there’s a lot to be learned from that. You disagreeing with me and Andi just recently caused me to think about things and consider points I hadn’t considered previously, and that can only be a good thing. And that’s one conversation I’d love to continue when I have a bit more time.
So yeah, even though I understand why you worry, I really think you shouldn’t. I’ve belonged to several online communities over the years and there were some in which debate was simply impossible. People simply trampled all over each other, sensibilities were constantly offended, and furthermore nobody was willing to think outside their particular box. But the way you express yourself is miles away from that. You’re eloquent, you’re sensitive and you’re a good communicator.
I typically tend to avoid these type of conversations for basically the same reasons that you listed above. Mostly I tend to just overanalyze things for days on end if I feel like I said something that could’ve offended someone. That’s the one downer about online communities is that there is no face to face interaction, so you lose all of those cues as to what the person is expressing. Because of that, you never know if someone takes something differently than how you meant it too. There are some bloggers like yourself that I’d be more comfortable discussing issues with because I feel like I’ve gotten to know you more than many other bloggers out there, but if I’m just blog surfing and come across something that I disagree with or that is out of my comfort zone I’ll likely play the quite lurker. And I probably wouldn’t post anything too controversial on my blog either unless it really fires me up because you never know what you’re going to get back…then I’d feel an obligation to respond and feel like I’m pissing people off and feel guilty :p What a question! Very thought provoking!
I just read Nymeth’s reply too and I completely agree. You would never come off as a jerk anyway to those who know you. It’s all about differences of opinion/viewpoints sometimes. Nothing wrong with that! Life would be quite boring without it.
Carl –
My wife and I were having this very discussion a couple of weeks ago and I wish I’d had this post (and everyone’s comments – esp. Nymeth’s and Chris’) to refer to, you’ve summed up the situation very well. I tend to use the internet to relax – it allows me to feed my obsessions (music, books, art), be a little creative with my blog, and connect with some like-minded folks in a similar way that I used to do through pen-pals and fanzines. I don’t mind a good argument or debate, but it can really be frustrating trying to conduct either through the medium of a comment box – it’s too hard to sustain the passion of an opinion with a few lines over the course of several days. By the same token, if someone asks for my opinion, I’ll do my best to lay it out honestly and I’ll genuinely try to understand their point of view. If the conversation needs to go much further than a few exchanges, I’d prefer to follow up via email. From what I’ve seen here at your place, you maintain a pretty good balance of opinion. What a great post!
Dear Carl: It is because of people like you in this world that civility is even still an option online AND in person. Your heartfelt post sums captures eloquently how so many of us feel in putting our lives out there in ink nearly every day of the year. We do our best to communicate clearly and effectively, and yet, we still face individuals who take personal exception to our words and turn a discussion into an invitation to war.
This is where we all need to be confident in ourselves to maintain the civility, keep it professional, and step aside when it is obvious that a reader’s anger over something entirely unrelated has found its way to your comments section.
I learned a long time ago that I cannot please everybody in this world, yet I still try in so many ways. As an educator, I look at my kids and see that each one deserves the right to be given a fighting chance to make it in my class. I try to please every one of them by giving each the opportunities to realize success.
But in the world of writing, you can’t please ’em all, and when you genuinely try to do this, you sell a part of who you are and what you’ve really got to shout from the rooftops. Barbaric Yawps don’t consider who is walking along the streets below; people can choose to embrace the yawp and hang around your site, or they can walk a little more quickly to get out of earshot.
For those that do not wish to share in the yawp, let them go quietly along their way. If they cannot stir a controversy, they will not return.
Bravo to you, Carl. Keep that heart, that concern, but don’t sacrifice a word of who you are. Let the critics come, let them go. It is the only way to genuine peace.
Carl,
Thank you for this thoughtful post. I can only offer this advice – which is much the same advice as I offer my writing students. If you try to be kind, courteous, and open as you speak, you can only hope that your readers will grant you the same courteous. You have to watch tone, of course, and you need to show you’re aware of other opinions. But sometimes you just have to say what needs to be said, and sometimes, people will be hurt – and we (I certainly feel this way often) will feel burdened for days.
But the other option is to say nothing – and saying nothing is what – in the most extreme – leaves us with war and genocide, broken relationships and isolation. As Raymond Winbush, a scholar of race said last night in a speech I attended, if you at least say it out loud, then people have a chance to respond. And that dialogue can bring healing.
Thanks again for this.
Carl, thanks for this interesting post, which articulates how so many of us feel about being online. For all sorts of reasons I have decided not to say very much about myself or my life in my blog, and this means that I’m unlikely to engage in anything controversial or where strong opinions are likely to be aired in case I give something away. I suspect I would be a better blogger if I did engage more, but it’s a small price to pay for peace of mind, I think.
I think once you recognise that you are writing an opinion then you’re okay. And of course realise that other people can have differing opinions. Disagree with the opinions if you want, but don’t insult the person who has them, after all maybe they are the ones that are right 🙂
Interestingly I’ve recently gotten a number of comments on a post of mine where I said that I didn’t really enjoy a book. These comments all come from people who obviously love the book and then seem insulted by the fact that I don’t share their opinion. I’ve hesitated about approving some of those comments as they are a little “you don’t like the book because you are too stupid to understand what it means”. In the end though I went ahead and approved them, I’m just not going to be drawn into a big old debate with those commenters. Let them say what they want. I, respectfully, disagree.
The internet is a funny one. It is so easy to misread what people have said. Either you read it and misinterpret it, you don’t know the persons sense of humour or their tone or you misread what someone has said and assume they are having a go at you when in fact if you look again they haven’t. I have trouble in the “real world” as not everyone gets my sense of humour. I have a think for insulting the people I like the most by calling them little pet names that others would possibly find offensive. I have to be a little more careful online as people are unlikely to know that about me and take it to heart when really I am lovely honest!
I do think that there is a tendency to censor what you say (not you but people in general) in the book blogging community to always appear nice. Perhaps there is room for more open discussion. I haven’t been in that situation yet where I have had to bite my tongue and my opinions, but I hope that if it arises I will find a way to say what I think if it disagrees strongly with someone in a way that gets my point across without it being insulting.
I suppose the key is to not take things too personally. At the endof the day if you disagree with someone it’s not going to be life changing and if everyone thought the same think how dull things would be…
You’ve already gotten a ton of advice that I couldn’t have said any better myself. So, I’ll just say this. You are a kind, thoughtful, informed blogger, and any dissenting opinion you express certainly comes off as kind, thoughful, and informed. 🙂
Wow, fantastic comments all around. I knew you folks were amazing, but you’ve outdone yourselves and certainly made me feel like I’m not alone in my concerns. While I have no intentions of becoming the internet’s Spanish Inquisition, riding forth and dispensing my own sort of verbal justice wherever I go, I do want to grow into the kind of person who can share an opinion and leave the other parties feeling validated and better for having at least examined my opinion and I want to walk away from the experience with that as well. The struggles I have are more about my own feelings of frustration after I do it than anything else.
Andi: Thank you. I really appreciate it.
Rhinoa: I agree that I think it is tempting to censor ones self in this community. We all want to be likeable, we want people to frequent our sites. I know I have chosen not to review movies in the past that I didn’t like but were wildly popular just because I didn’t feel the desire to hurt someone else’s feelings. I was trying to avoid that “Who died and made you the movie critic king” accusation. But that is not the way I should be, I should be honest about the good and the bad, not just about the good.
Fence: I agree, there is a strong chance that the other person’s opinion is the right one and in the end both opinions are equally valid if presented from the heart and with just a modicum of intelligence.
Also, I haven’t been able to leave any comments on your site. It always says comments are closed. Is this accurate?
Bride: If I am interpreting you correctly you are bringing up another important issue which is how much to reveal about yourself personally. Other than my tendency to avoid controversy like the plague (which I am trying to change) and my decision to not talk politics or religion very often or at all on this site (which won’t change…at least as far as I know), I tend to really be myself. Or at the very least the ‘myself’ that I see as me and want to be. I may not have these same conversations with all my friends but that is more about what areas of interests that we share than anything else.
Andi (the other Andi): 😉 You are right and that is a good point. If we all remained quiet for fear of offending or to keep the peace then the only folks talking would be those at both ends of the extreme whose voices are already too loud as it is.
Thanks Rus: I certainly haven’t had any body criticize what I’ve said, at least not that I am aware of, but I do often criticize myself when I get into ‘discussions’ and I need to examine that. The flame wars are one of the reasons I don’t generally post about controversial subjects. If I love a Neil Gaiman book and several people come over and give their reasons why they think it sucks, that is okay. At the very least we both walk away shaking our heads but that disagreement isn’t going to cause any of us to lose sleep or to stop visiting each other’s sites.
Ken: I use the internet for the same way most of the time because it is hard, though obviously not impossible, to communicate appropriately and passionately on some subjects without risk of offense. I seem to be getting the message that it is a risk worth taking though and if you are polite and kind and tactful you can still be passionate and on the opposite side of the fence and remain friends.
Chris: Thank you. I too try to avoid the obvious flame war posts and discussions, it is really those discussions with internet ‘friends’ that stress me out more. I genuinely care about the impact I have on someone (as do we all) and always want to avoid typing anything that might hurt the other’s feelings. Especially since I’m likely to not know if it occurred if the person is too polite to let me know. I probably over-stress about those possibilities and should just be me and be nice and let the chips fall.
Nymeth: Debate is good and healthy. And certainly part of where I continue to grow and need to grow is how I take it and process it when someone disagrees with me. I need to at least give folks the benefit of the doubt that they will be looking at my words and examining them intelligently rather than getting upset with me. In a way part of what I’ve learned through this experience is to truly trust others to be intelligent and kind and honest in their responses as well.
Renay: Therein does lie madness. You are right. That is part of why I wanted to post this rather than let it run round and round in my own head and end up frustrated and wondering if others felt the same or not.
Debi: I disagree, I think you are a lot of help. Simply by acknowledging that you have these same feelings lets all of us know we are in this together and encourages us all to do as Renay mentioned which was to occasionally challenge our own comfort zones.
Kicking K: I agree, pretending I don’t have an opinion on something or glossing over that opinion is a real disservice to those I am having a conversation with either online or in real life.
Neth: I can certainly think of some situations I have been in that mirror what you are talking about. I think the trick for me in those situations has to be to remain courteous and again to not walk away feeling so terrible that I stew about these things.
Mosker: I’m not sure it is cowardly so much as our response to the people who fall in the other extreme and just stomp all over sharing their opinions as if it were gospel truth and being unwilling to listen to others. What we need to do I guess is to rise up and be courageous enough to bring our thoughtful and polite opinions to the table and stand behind them.
Thank you all again so much. I have gotten so very much from reading all these excellent responses. Your input makes me a better me and has put a HUGE smile on my face.
Carl, I had them closed for a while. I took a bit of a break from participating in blogland in general, and then had a short holiday off in Rome. So I closed the comments to prevent any spam sneaking through. Have reopened them now.
Thanks Fence, that is great to hear. Rome, eh? That is fabulous!
I’m a peacemaker too. Discussion and difference of opinion is fine, but I don’t like to argue. I’ve seen a lot of forums where ‘trolling’ and ‘flaming’ is the norm. It makes me uncomfortable.
Ditto what Andi says, IMHO.
I don’t think I’ve ever read anything from you that was offensive.
Carl –
I absolutely think that a good, honest exchange of ideas is worth the risk of stepping out of your comfort zone when you feel passionate about something (be it a book, movie, song, piece of art, or the occasional issue of politics or personal faith). Friendships can’t develop if ideas and opinions aren’t exchanged honestly and with respect for dissension. What I was trying to say is that the inherent limitations of the internet can interfere with the timely exchange of ideas. The result of this, for me, is that I’m more likely to present a dissenting viewpoint when the subject has some personal significance to me – otherwise, I’ll likely just acknowledge the comment and move on.
You’ve summed up pretty well how I feel on the matter, too, and I don’t think there’s a good answer. For the most part I avoid the types of conversations that I think are likely to turn into pointless flaming. When I do feel it’s worth saying something, I try to state what I mean, clarify if it turns out to be necessary, but then back away and consider myself done. The two things I try to avoid commenting on almost exclusively are politics and religion, because I believe that most people feel so strongly about those issues that there simply isn’t going to be a rational exchange of ideas, no matter how hard people try.
Interesting question, Carl. And for the record, I can’t think of one time you’ve ever come off in a bad light.
I will say, though, I may be the opposite of you, at least in “real” life. Not that I invite controversery because I don’t. But I don’t shy away from it either. I’m pretty stubborn, and I’m VERY opinionated….especially on those really touchy subjects like politics, social issues and religion. I have a lot of interesting talks with people and I have no problem sharing my own point of view no matter how liberal it is or how heated the conversation can get.
But in the blogging world, I do take a little more care. I don’t want to come off as offensive to anyone…especially people that I don’t know too well. And I don’t want to alienate anyone. So I guess I do try to stay away from those topics online. There are places and forums that are better suited for those conversations than blogging.
So….I guess in a nutshell, I was really no help to you at all!! But seriously, remember that people have their opinions…and that’s all they are. Someone’s opinion. There really isn’t a right or wrong answer for most of them…..and you just have to be true to yourself.
This is my first visit to your site.
I have to say I’m a peacemaker as well and really try to avoid having heated discussions with anyone.
We were talking about this in another discussion group last night, and the leader of the group there pretty much said the same thing. That the last thing you want to do is offend the very people you’re trying to have a relationship with on your blog. His suggestion was to keep everything as positive as possible until you really know your audience, and then you’ll know how much risk you can take in introducing controversial topics.
I agree with him for the most part, but for sure if someone wants to pick a fight with me, I certainly won’t back down. 🙂
Thanks for a great discussion!
Some great questions, Carl. I’m new to the blogging world and so far I’ve been avoiding anything more controversial than the occasional negative review of a book. But in real life, I like a good debate or discussion and I have plenty of opinions I’m more than willing to share. But in cyberspace, with strangers, it doesn’t seem to me like the right time/place to get into huge word wars. And for exactly the reasons you mentioned-the lack of physical cues make communication difficult. One has to be very careful with stating things.
I just gave a lecture not too long ago to managers at my company about this very topic, but in relation to email. How easy it is to send an angry email, when face to face communication would have cleared everything up!
When I recently posted about Inkheart earlier this week, I paused before I hit the submit button, because I knew just saying I wasn’t impressed with the book, would be an unpopular opinion. I paused, because I wasn’t sure what the reaction would be as I’m new to bookblogging, and I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But then I thought, this is my blog. And this is my place for me to put my ideas, thoughts, and views into the world. I don’t want to have to censor myself, because then what would be the point? Readers would be responding to the pretend me, and I don’t want that. I don’t put everything I believe on my blog, some of my life is private, but I realized that if my views of a book offend someone (and I will try to be as polite as I can when reviewing something, not the least because as a writer, I am aware of the thought, effort and love that goes into writing a book), then I want an honest discussion – at least we can have different views and still respect each other. At least, that is how i am, and I kind of expect everyone else to be! 🙂 so far no one has come blazing into my blog…..if they did, it would depend on what they said, for whether I responded to them or not.
I hope nothing has happened that has made you do this post, because like your other commentators, I find you thoughtful, kind, and filled with wonderful ideas and insights about books and other things, and your blog is a highlight of my blog-reading day.
PS Love your pictures of the doors and the tree in between! and the tree and path!!
Susan: The path is a picture I took. The picture of the doors I found online but no longer recall who to give credit to for it.
Nothing bad happened that prompted this post other than me sharing opinions on someone else’s site…opinions that were treated respectfully by everyone else responding there…but opinions that I still walked away feeling bad about. Based on the responses I got there and here I feel much better about the whole situation. And I agree that we certainly shouldn’t censure ourselves on our own blogs. It is more about going to other people’s sites and sharing opinions without stirring up controversy.
Kim L: I’ve sent a few emails that I’ve regretted in the past. A couple that said exactly what I meant to say and yet should have evaluated whether that was the right forum to say them, and others where what I said was misinterpreted. Email is wonderful at work but can be a trap too. It is too easy to offend.
Ruth: Welcome, I’m glad you decided to join in the discussion. I certainly agree that knowing one’s audience is the best way to avoid confrontation in the first place. My biggest concern at this point is I feel that I have several internet friends who are as dear to my heart as they would be if they lived on the same block as me and I want to have honest discussions with them and not every intentionally hurt their feelings. I’m still trying to navigate around that landscape but it looks like I have many great guides to help me along the way.
Again just to clear things up, I didn’t post anything here (that I know of 😉 ) that offended anyone and I didn’t really get any complaints about the comments I left on another person’s site. More than anything I just was looking at the issue from a different point of view and when rereading my comments was worried that things I said might be able to be interpreted as critical or judgmental and that was not my intention. It lead me to thinking alot about this form of communication and I thought it would be nice to process my feelings in this public forum to see what other’s thoughts were on the matter.
As you know Carl, I am an artist when it comes to provoking people. People call me the black bastard for a reason. In my world, and I’ve shared a little of my childhood with you, I always was the peacemaker. I didn’t want to rock the boat. And whenever I tried to suggest an opinion to anyone (family and friends) that I thought might help, that opinion was soundly rejected and I received what I like to call, ‘God, he’s such a fool’ look.
As Renay said above, people have comfort zones and they don’t want them breached. I’ve always called them utopia bubbles. You can’t have a dialogue with someone who’s not willing to challenge their own beliefs, fears, hopes, and passions. They only see the world through one set of ideas and tend to stick close to people of a similar ilk. I believe it’s called group think and this doesn’t lead to good places.
Once I learned this, I stopped being afraid to voice my opinion. Thought if I did I would lose friends and most people wouldn’t like me. My grandma simply said, ‘If they don’t value your opinion, then they ain’t your friends’. Good advice. I follow it to this day. So now I challenge everyone I know and surprisingly, I have more friends than ever.
And that’s all I got.
Thanks Cameron, I’ve been meaning to bug you about not writing lately so its good to read your thoughts not just for the good advice they are, but to hear this ‘voice’ of yours. I think where my concerns are is in that gray area where you don’t know yet that you are friends, or on sites you just randomly visit. In the end it is probably at least some ado about nothing because it is rare that I even have time to get into these kind of internet discussions or even want to, but I am appreciating everyone’s advice and encouragement to just be myself when I do manage to find myself in these conversations. I think it also helps me in my interactions with folks in person as well. I certainly appreciate you for who you are Cameron and enjoy all of our weekly convos at the shop.
I think the internet is two-edged sword sometimes. It’s an awesome way that we can all communicate and get to know each other, so I’m thankful,
but if this potential conversation you are worried about was a face-to-face encounter, the time at which you would have to respond would be a few seconds,
and at the end if you didn’t speak your opinion you probably wouldn’t ponder over it as much as you have (just guessing since I don’t know the details).
That being said, when I have these moments myself – I try to think of what the potential output would be of the input (my comment).
I work in software so input/output comes naturally to me. If you think your comment (opinion, etc) would do the other person (or yourself) more good than not saying it –
then you should say it. On the other hand, if the other person is just going to be hurt (or you are going to feel bad) then it’s probably best to just forget it – “move onward and upward”
as I sometimes have to say to myself. It’s kind of like the golden rule principle. If I was the other person
I know I would want to hear what needed to be said, even if I didn’t like it at first, if it would somehow positively influence me.
Everyone’s being WAY too nice so I’ll just be the one to come out and say what we’re all really thinking.
You’re an ASS !!!!!!!!!!!
Aww. I feel much better now. Plus, it’s nice that I don’t have a blog you can come over and troll on. 🙂
You are too funny Mr. Smith. 🙂
I must agree: communication is difficult enough in ‘real life’, even with the visual clues of facial expression, hearing tone and inflection, body position and use of hands ….. to communicate in a ‘virtual realm’ is even that much more hazardous. I, too, am a peacemaker, though I have been known to stir up a few controversies in my time. Simply because certain causes or opinions ‘rally’ my passions.
The conundrum of blogging for me is the real vs. unreal aspect of the community. We ‘see’ bits and pieces of one another: the sides which we wish to share with the unknown. But we seldom if ever are able to engage with the ‘whole’ person – all their glories and glorious failings ….. we should take care of idolizing others whose work we find amazing as well as faulting those whose view on life is so different than our own.
btw: i love the images / illustrations on your site ….
lady blue
I certainly agree. It is very easy to put those whose work we admire up on a pedestal. And I think that is okay to a very small degree as long as it is just the wonder of their creativity that you are praising and are prepared for the reality that they are indeed very human, with failings and foibles like the rest of us.
While I love being able to go to my favorite authors’ and artists’ websites and read their views on things I also dread it. Especially since I truly believe that I feel very differently about some issues than those whose work I admire.
It is always a bit crushing when you see the human side of someone you admire and yet that also gives me some hope and inspiration too as it helps to realize that the people who create such marvelous books or films or pieces of art are not different than I am, just committed to doing what they love.
Thanks so much for sharing, lady blue and thanks for the compliments as well.