Thanks to a friend at Ye Olde Comic Shoppe I found myself with a pass for two to sneak a peek at the soon-to-be-released film, 10,000 B.C. After a hearty meal at Texas Roadhouse–and what else would one eat before going to see a movie with mastodons and saber-toothed tigers besides steak–James and I settled in for the show.
Filmmaker Rolland Emmerich, of Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow fame, looks to the past for his inspiration for this film:
“I have always been intrigued by the idea of classic storytelling, in the timeless way people have told stories round the campfire for generations.”
If by ‘classic storytelling’ he means boringly paced tall tales with ridiculous coincidences and elements stolen from other more well-told stories then he succeeded marvelously.
Allow me to congratulate myself right now for my part in investing in your financial future–if you want to revisit prehistoric times, save your money and go watch a few episodes of the Flintstones. Even the more recent celluloid interpretations of Fred and Barney have more believable concepts and better execution that this steaming pile of mammoth dung.
10,000 B.C. is another in a long line of epic films in which a great deal of money and no doubt time and effort were invested by people that certainly must have cared about what they were doing that somehow ends up being an enormous disaster. In the case of this film I blame the story entirely.
I mean, the settings are absolutely gorgeous–New Zealand, South Africa, Namibia–as a National Geographic documentary of beautiful scenery it works very well. The actors are fairly well chosen and for their part act well–there are no poor performances here. Unfortunately the story they had to work with would have worked better as a parody than a serious piece of drama.
The kindest thing I could say about Emmerich is that he wrote a story that coincidentally borrows from so many films I am unsure I could name them all here. If I didn’t want to be kind I would just say that he must have gotten drunk one night and walked into his local Best Buy and purchased a number of films on a whim in order to thread their plots together for this blast to the past. The similarities between so many films are laughable. To name a few: Stargate, 300, Gladiator, Braveheart, Lord of the Rings…I could go on and on. And ‘similarities’ is an understatement, these are outright thefts of other film’s plots and ideas up on the screen.
In case you don’t trust me and choose to see this film, you may want to skip the next bit as there will be spoilers.
The movie opens with a tribe of people who live in the mountains and hunt the mammoth’s. Now you would think this would be a nomadic people but no, they live in the same village and wait for the mammoths to come to them every year. I know, I don’t get it either. Years pass and a band of ‘four-legged demons’–men on horseback (which adds up to six legs, doesn’t it?)–come and kill a few folks and steal a few others, including the blue-eyed beauty linked to the prophecy of the tribes future.
And so our intrepid hero and a few of his friends set off to rescue the hot chick. They travel through the mountains, through a tropical jungle inhabited by giant ugly baby vultures that act like velocorapters from Jurassic Park, and through the desert where they meet a tribe of what look like African warriors who by some odd coincidence happen to speak their language and just happen to have a prophecy of their own which is fulfilled by our hero. And so the two forces join up and cross the desert only to discover that the four-legged demons who stole their hot chick are the ones who really built the pyramids and are using them as slaves. And guess what? They have a prophecy of their own: someone with The Mark will arrive and signal their downfall. Do you know what The Mark is? It is a scar matching up with the constellation Orion, the Hunter. And what do our captives happen to be? You guessed it…hunters! And how did our damsel in distress get The Mark? By having her hands whipped by one of her captors earlier in the film. Lord in heaven the coincidences were ridiculous in this film. Who in the hell paid money for this script? I need to meet that person because I could mash a bunch of crazy ideas together and bang out a story less nonsensical than this in a matter of hours!
More and more unbelievable events occur and the ‘good guys’ win a battle against impossible odds with one of the shortest fight scenes in cinematic history with almost no loss of life. Except for a tragic death at the end–but don’t worry, it gets resolved Matrix-style before the credits roll.
I am sorry to say that nothing can save 10,000 B.C. It is an awful film. Poor CG–did mammoths not have any working leg joints?–long moments where nothing much happens, constant unnecessary narration, poor dialogue, and the obvious borrowing of other people’s ideas make this movie a must-not see. In talking to James on the way home I became more and more flabbergasted that a film like this was ever made. Have I said it was ridiculous? Not enough times, believe me! Here’s my prophecy: regardless of what money this film may steal from an unsuspecting public opening weekend, it will die a tragic death by week two. I cannot imagine anyone paying money for this once word gets out.
As this evisceration–er, review–comes to a close, please keep this in mind: I really wanted to like this movie. In fact there were some concepts that I really enjoyed. There was a large father-son dynamic throughout the movie that unfortunately got lost in everything else that was, or wasn’t, happening. I actually liked the idea of tapping into the theories that the pyramids were built by another, perhaps alien, race. I did not sit through this film lampooning it as it happened. It was only afterwards that I thought: that was it?, and began to replay the film in my mind that the silliness of it all was so blatantly apparent.
If after all this you find yourself in the theater viewing 10,000 B. C., take my advice–wear boots. You’ll need them to wade through the poo on your way out of aisle.
On the bright side, you didn’t have to spend your hard-earned money for your adventure in dung wading?
But I am sorry you wasted two valuable hours of your life.
I had a good time being with friends, it was indeed free, and it wasn’t as obvious a disaster until it was all over so I wouldn’t consider the time wasted. I probably wouldn’t have done anything constructive with those hours anyway! 🙂
OMG!… I find this hard to believe!! There isn’t much that you don’t like, so this is a rare moment in time!
but it is moments like this that make you wonder how many GOOD things are passed by, and how the HECK did something so bad get backed with so much money???
A bad choice?.. duh.. but it still makes you wonder how it happens…
Since seeing the trailer I’m expecting trash. I’ll most likely go, so I didn’t read all your review, skipping the spoilers, but my expectations have been lowered 🙂
The first few paragraphs got me interested, until I got to this bit:
“If by ‘classic storytelling’ he means boringly paced tall tales with ridiculous coincidences and elements stolen from other more well-told stories then he succeeded marvelously.”
lol! I liked the pile of mammoth dung comparison too 😛 Thanks for the warning, Carl. I’ll avoid this one.
Hmm. Maybe I’ll just go watch some Roger Corman movies instead. With a cheeseburger and fries. I’ll pretend I’m at a drive-in!
It’s not really like you to slam things so this must have been terrible indeed. Too bad.
Damn, damn, damn, I was really looking forward to this film. I know it looks stupid in the previews, but it also looked really fun. I was hoping for a Conan like world of adventure. I think I’ll still go just to see the visuals. I’ll have to go alone because my wife and movie going girlfriends all refuse to see this one.
Jim
Your review is hi-LAR-ious!
When I saw the ad had mammoths, pyramids and dinosaurs (?) in it, I made a note not to see this. I mean, pyramids- 10,000BC? I can only suspend my disbelief for so much.
And The Day After Tomorrow. I could hear meterologists screaming the day that came out.
WOW, that sounds bad. REALLY REALLY bad. The “giant ugly baby vultures” bit really made me cackle.
Yeah, I had a feeling that this one was going to turn out this way. It looked like a bad rip off of 300 and Apocalypto set in “10,000 B.C.” Honestly, the first time I saw the preview I thought it was going to be one of those “silence your phone” previews :p Do you know what I’m talking about? The ones they used to do where they start these previews then a cell phone rings? Anyway…hilarious review and definitely one I’ll AVOID!
i was shocked when i saw the ad for this. i couldn’t believe it looked as bad as it did. i thought maybe i was being a bit overly critical and the next time the ad came up i tried to be open-minded.
but i couldn’t escape the fact that it looked like bollocks. and senseless.
oh dear carl.
haha! its actually funny.
i must say, those co-incidences are hilarious. really ridiculous. 😀
i hope you had a good laugh.
I love how it always surprises people when I criticize something. I do tend to have the ability to avoid books and films that I won’t like. And, especially with movies, I don’t often bother to review ones I don’t like as usually they are ones, like Spiderman 3, that fall right into the middle where some really like it and some don’t and I feel bad about influencing someone one way or the other with those things. I don’t feel that way so much with books. But when something is really bad I cannot be a good blogger and not try to save you some coin!
There were those in the audience that clapped when it was done so some people liked this, but the majority were walking the aisles heading out the door before it was all over and it was still pretty early in the evening so no one was rushing off to bed or anything.
Yet another film that ‘could have been’.
JP: I laughed alot on the way home because I was so beside myself about the whole thing.
Chris: there were certainly Apocalypto and 300 rip-offs here. And you’re right, it does sort of resemble one of those ads.
Andi: you’re welcome
Chris@: The pyramids didn’t bother me so much because we’ve all heard those conspiracy theories that the pyramids weren’t built by the Egyptians and I really liked that idea…it just should have been part of the overall plot and not something tacked on 3/4ths of the way through the film.
Jim: I would have LOVED a Conan like experience. This was nothing of the sort. It could have been, but they just let the opportunity slip away from them.
Homie: Yep, it was that bad. 😉
RB: At least Roger Corman films can be seen as something of a retro art form now. This is just pitiful.
Nymeth: Sorry to disappoint!
Fence: At least you also will be seeing this for free. It will take some of the pain away.
Deslily: It does make you wonder, it really does.
Okay then, I will not even waste money on a rental, I’ll wait for it to come out on TMN. Thanks for the heads up!
This was one i knew immediately i’d have problems with. I can suspend disbelief but the anthropology major in me cringed so many time during the trailer.
Yeah, when I saw the trailer and the cavemen were all speaking perfect English I lost it right there.
Doomsday also looks like a steaming berg of turd to be avoided.
Figured it was a load. And it suprises us Carl, because you are such a positive person (and we do appreciate the coin saving) to hear you say something negative gets our attention. Now, I am not calling you a goody two-shoes. We both know you are an alcohol-fueled maniac. I’m just saying that when people want someone to tell a kid that puppies don’t go to heaven, they call me and not you. Okay?
Heehee, so tell me how you really felt about this movie.
When I first saw the preview on TV, I thought it was an ad for Apocalypto.
Do you ever just picture in your head the producers sitting around planning out movies like these. “Umm… that one 300 movie made a lot of money. Lets do a rip off. Since we’ll just steal their script, we don’t need to hire writers. More money for the special effects budget. Lets find a way to do a tie-in to Coca Cola. Go!” (I suspect a similar meeting went on before the creation of the Transformers movie.
Cameron: its cats that don’t go to heaven, not puppies. Get your theology straight, man! 😉
Kim: I cannot begin to fathom a world in which the writers of this actually came up with these ideas on their own. They had to purposefully rip off other films…it was just too obvious. Actually a Coke tie-in, ala The Gods Must Be Crazy, would have been perfect in this film.
Stuart…Doomsday may be, but I have to admit that I hope I get sneak tickets for it even if my review ends up being similar to this one.
Melanie: there is alot of cringe worthy stuff in this one without bringing anthropology into the mix. You should stay away…far away!
Wannietta: you are welcome!
Puppies don’t go to heaven??? Yet another reason I can’t let my kids read Carl’s blog! Next thing I know you’ll be dropping some Easter Bunny LIES!!! Cameron I’ve got my eye on you. 🙂
In all serious the commercials for this one have looked really bad. I’m sorry you lost two hours of good reading time. That’s the true travesty of this sad tale.
There were some subtitles in the film, so I did get a bit of reading done Jeff.
Why would kittens go to heaven? We all know they are the DEVIL’S SPAWN.
This actually makes me feel a whole lot better. Ever since I saw the first preview, I’ve had an aversion to the movie. My husband wants to go and I keep telling him I literally have no desire to see it. NONE. Then I started doubting my own instincts. I thought maybe I should go see it. Now I know I”m not going!!
He can go with one of his friends if he wants to see it so bad!!
Thanks for making me feel so much better Carl!!
Wow. That bad, huh?
Sad thing is, I’ll still go and see it. (it’s got sabertooths in it, after all.) But at least now I won’t have my hopes up.
My son, a friend and I just saw this movie and really loved it. Great story, special effects were great (the animals looked real to us) and we were engaged with the whole journey.
So for once I disagree with our host.. I recommend you see it.
Ian: the experience was great or the film was great? I can accept that your experience was a great one. I have had several experiences that are great with films that are arguably a mess (Star Wars prequels anyone?). This was not a great film. It didn’t even hit the beats in the way that a marginal film does. It was a bad film. But I am glad that since you paid money for it that you enjoyed it because I have certainly enjoyed other films (Penelope most recently) that critics and many regular joe’s didn’t like at all. The CGI was good on the opening mastodon scenes and for the sabertooth, but the CG during the Egyptian seens was not well done at all…the movement of the beasts was terrible.
Wayne, yes it does have A sabertooth…for about 3 minutes total screen time. It was a wasted effect that would have been so much better had its appearance led to another appearance later in the film.
Stephanie, you’re welcome.
Looks like another Aeon Flux…
I can say this, Tom. I’d rather re-watch Aeon Flux than this!
What’s worse is that we have to wait until May to see Indiana Jones.
Yes, but it will pass by quicker than we think, now that we are getting older. Ha!
Can’t believe this stinker made $35 million over the weekend. Thankfully it only did about half the business 300 did at this time last year as that is a far superior film!!!
My friend Jeff pointed out, rightfully so I think, that I was a bit hard on Ian. Although what I had to say was meant as good natured ribbing I not only don’t know Ian personally, nor does he know me, but it is nearly impossible to convey tone and intent over the internet. So instead I potentially just sounded like a pompous ass. And so, since I gave him a hard time in public I am also apologizing in public. Believe me, my incredulous statements were meant to be in good fun. It is never my intention to ridicule the opinions of others, knowing full well that what I share are my opinions as well and I don’t expect everyone to agree with me. I now return you to your regular programming.
Fortunately everyone is entitled to their opinion. 🙂 I value yours on the SSR site.
However, we three sat and raved about what a good film this was… That was my point, what stood out for you as bad was not noticed by us. We would pay to see it again and will probably rewatch it on DVD (BlueRay) when it comes out.
Now that you mention the prequel Star Wars movies… same thing. We love them and will watch them time and again. I loved Star Wars when I saw it the first 5 times in a theatre, but I also loved the prequels.
For me movies is a place to relax and ignore the flaws…
p.s. don’t even rent Casshern. I rented it from iTunes and sat through it looking for a story… how gastly.
The world would indeed be a sad and drab place if we all liked the same stuff.
I can imagine the scenery of all the places they filmed this in would be amazing on Blu-ray…I have to get an HDTV and Blu-ray sometime soon….it is a need!!! 😉
I haven’t heard of Casshern, but I’ll look it up if only to know what to avoid.
I decided after Day After Tomorrow that I would skip Emmerich’s movies. He’s the new Uwe Boll!
I actually didn’t mind Day, but my expectations were not high at all going in so I enjoyed it for what it was. Uwe Boll…ha! 🙂