(yours truly on a (low) tree branch, the Fountain of Youth, St. Augustine. photo by oldben, edited ever so slightly by Carl V.)
“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself (for God did not need to create). It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”
~ C.S. Lewis
One year and one day ago today, on a Friday morning, I turned on my computer to discover that Jennifer, Jenn See, had passed away suddenly. Jenn See, one part of the triumvirate of the Following My Fish website, was a dear web friend. The Fish were the first people I discovered on my quest to turn my blog into a celebration of the more geeky things in my life. Reading the posts over there was like looking into the mirror of my soul. The year and a half that I spent reading the writings of Jenn See, Mysfit, and Oldben and their interactions with us over here, formed the kind of bond that at that time I never dreamed could be achieved from sitting at a keyboard. And then she was gone.
(self-portrait with hair down)
Today I want to give the briefest glimpse into the life of the Jenn See that I knew. I’m going to share it through words and also through samples of her photography. In addition to the Fish site, Jenn See created the Tourist of Everything site on which she chronicled life around her, from pictures taken on tour with her boyfriend’s (Oldben) band, Happy Anarchy, to artistic interpretations of storefront windows. Jenn See saw the world with a creative eye and through her photos could make art out of anything. Self-portraits, trees, water, decaying buildings, flowers, toys, unsuspecting people going about their daily lives…everything, from the detritus of life to the wonder of nature was fair game for a girl who must have had a camera with her always.
(antique mirror in window, St. Augustine.)
The images I share today will be random and hardly touch on the photos posted on the Tourist site, but these are some of the ones that touched me, or made me smile, as I spent the evening going through her site and remembering.
(DC: me on George Mason’s extremely sun-warmed lap.)
As I sat down to write this post, I came to the very startling realization that so very many of you wonderful blog friends have no idea whatsoever who Jenn See is because you have come to Stainless Steel Droppings in the time since her death. It would give me the greatest pleasure if you would step away from this post for a moment to read my thoughts on the day I first heard about her death, posted here, and the remembrance post that I composed a few days later. Please. They will give you a better idea of where this is all coming from.
(lamp, TGI Friday’s, Scranton, PA)
In preparing to write today’s post, I went back to the time I first discovered the fish (because of a lovely picture of Audrey Tatou). As I read the posts following I soon came to a post that goes a long way towards summing up just why Jenn See was a kindred spirit. Almost everything on that list are things I was already obsessively geeky about or have grown to be so.
(Sailor Mars will lie down for anything. Staten Island.)
When I think of all of you that I’ve met through the challenges, especially those for whom that list would feel like a biography of your life, I just have to smile. You guys (and gals) would have loved Jenn See.
(Sailors Mercury & Jupiter, a little dusty, for Tuesday’s “justice” theme.)
I have had very few people who I was close to die in my life. That is the privilege of being young, I suppose. As I age I realize that this will unfortunately become a more common occurrence. It hit me so strongly when Jenn See died, thinking primarily about the friends and family who were a part of her real, physical life, not just her internet life. Those for whom each and every day without her presence was, and is, life-alteringly painful. I say that not to minimize my own pain, but just to let you know who I wept for the most in those days following her death.
(green gumballs, Jersey Gardens Mall.)
For my own part, things often occur that remind me of Jenn See. Every Pirates release, the Star Wars 30th Anniversary…so many movies, books, etc. remind me of her. Whenever I watch Mirrormask I think of her comment in my marathon post:
really i’ve already said a whole lot about mirrormask, but not nearly as much as you have… thanks for the detailed analysis, & i promise that when i see it again we can have pointbypoint discussions (or arguments) about the whole damn thing…
(styrofoam peanuts, Martinsville, NJ.)
That conversation was stolen from me and I feel its loss. In point of fact, Jenn See’s passing stole many things from me (us), including the online relationship that I had with the other two founding members of Following My Fish:
(chess set, Staten Island.)
Jenn See’s dear friend Mysfit and her friend and love, Oldben. Understandably, the blogging community is a painful reminder for them both as to what they have lost and I miss them terribly as well.
(sink in black and white, White Plains, NY.)
Jenn See shone her creative light in so many ways. I remember just marveling at this set of pictures of a collage that she and Mysfit created.
(windows on a gray day, SI.)
I have been a party to many magazine-page collages myself in my lifetime, but I have never created anything so artistic. The close-up images (scroll down) of the various parts of the project amaze me with their sense of design composition. (Go over there and check them out already!).
(shadow of a tree, Staten Island.)
I found a great kinship in Jenn See’s pictures of trees.
(tree in bloom, Silver Lake park, SI.)
My love of trees is no great secret and she found the most amazing ones to photograph.
(the picnic tree, exterior, with Penny for scale, Rutgers Gardens.)
(the picnic tree (a saucer magnolia), interior 1, Rutgers Gardens, New Brunswick, NJ.)
“Few people know how to take a walk. The qualifications are endurance, plain clothes, old shoes, an eye for nature, good humor, vast curiosity, good speech, good silence and nothing too much.â€Â
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Jenn See seemed to know how to walk. Strolling through the Tourist site, one gets the impression that Jenn See was always outside, always on the move, always capturing great images of her adventures.
(shadow on fence, Ventnor, NJ.)
I could get in real danger here of this becoming more about me by spending too much time waxing eloquent about Jenn See. And it would be easy to do. But this isn’t about me, it is about remembering her and introducing her to those who never had the opportunity.
Come take a stroll with Jenn See. Come see the world indoors and outdoors through her eyes.
(dune fence materials, Ventnor, NJ.)
(hinge on abandoned door, Philadelphia.)
(map of world, Naval Memorial, DC.)
(door of ice cream truck, Staten Island.)
(back of old ice cream truck, Staten Island.)
(edge of roof, Buchanan Street, Staten Island.)
(light, water, stones, Taghkanic State Park.)
(along the path, Taghkanic State Park. Carl: Does anyone else see the woman in this picture? Her head of hair bent forward and flowing down the path>)
(young girl in sea mist, Ventnor, NJ)
(catch in the waves, Ventnor, NJ.)
(seaweed at the tideline, Ventnor, NJ.)
(mermaid, Pearl Street, Boulder, CO.)
(window display, Manhattan.)
(blue torsos, the Borgata, AC.)
(Sauron with tourist in boutique, AC boardwalk)
(garden figure 1, Staten Island.)
(flower in sunlight, Staten Island.)
Whether out of doors, gazing through windows, or indoors, Jenn See captured the art in the objects all around us.
(star lamp 3, SI.)
(candles, the Muddy Cup, SI.)
(interior, Radio City Music Hall, November 2004.)
(a rock on a table, Backstreets Cafe, St. Augustine.)
(champagne bottle, Staten Island)
(rose petals in the aisle, Windsor, CO.)
(curtains on a winter day, SI.)
Over the past year I have had the privilege of Jenn See’s mother keeping in touch with me via email. She also occasionally stops by here to comment, which helps keep the spirit of Jenn See alive.
Cynthia is a remarkable woman who raised a remarkable daughter, a daughter who shone her light on the world through poetry, photography, and through an amazingly eclectic blog. In your prayers today, remember her and her family. This day, among all the days of loss, is especially painful.
I have not even scratched the surface in regards to introducing you to Jenn See. The Following My Fish site contains poetry, stories, photography, observations and links…so many things that those of you who find kinship in my blog would love. I highly encourage you to go over there every once in awhile. Get into the archives starting January 2005 and read forward. It would be…it is…a tremendously rewarding experience. And the Tourist site contains hundreds if not thousands of pictures, so visit Jenn See there as well.
(me with blossoms, DC. photo by oldben.)
Jenn See’s family has set up a scholarship fund:
this fund is set up in jenn see’s memory to help struggling artists, photographers and writers. in this way, we are carrying on jenn’s energy and love of life. please help.
If you would like to donate or to find out more about the scholarship, please write to:
Jan-Ai Scholarship Fund
c/o Bob Walker
P.O Box 8068
Atlantic City, N.J. 08404
(under a cherry tree, DC. photo by oldben.)
Jenn See’s conclusion to her final post:
…so i will spend the next few days reveling in the past & in memories, collecting myself in the present, & looking to the future…which promises many new things & much Change, along with all that comes with these things.
is both sad and uplifting. Jenn See’s ‘many new things and much Change’ has come at the expense of leaving us behind. It is we who are left here to revel in the past and in memories, to collect ourselves in the present, no matter how hard that may be, and to look to the future.
(under the cherry tree, DC. photo by oldben.)
As I said in my remembrance post last year, treasure the life you are given. While I believe that life goes on past this brief and tenuous moment in time , I also believe that it is our calling to live this life to the fullest, to cherish those around us and those who we connect with over the long miles made short via the internet. It is not mere affectation when I say that I treasure each and every one of you. Each of you contributes to the fabric of my life and every thread is important and meaningful and cherished. Live and love, now. Not tomorrow, today.
Thank you for allowing me to share a small portion of the creativity and spirit of Jenn See.
Jenn See was a Lord of the Rings fan. I think this scene, which I just watched a few days ago, sums up both the sadness and the hope that I feel today (forgive the person who did this for not ending the clip at the right moment. I strongly suggest stopping right after Gandalf says, “No, no it isn’t” and Pippen smiles, right about the 1:19 mark. The second right after that is pretty jarring).
I am grateful for the small time that I knew her and for the part she played in encouraging me to continue on with this blog.
I miss you Jenn See.
(still life with chair, Philadelphia.)
Beautiful post Carl.
I have delved into the pages of Following My Fish before, and been touched by the knowledge that Jenn See was someone I would have dearly loved to know, as much as I dearly love knowing yourself, Chris and others in blogland.
Of the pictures you have posted, this is my favourite, and I saw the woman instantly. Beautiful, and haunting.
Jenn See has clearly left a legacy of inspiration, and I for one am sincerely touched by it. This post, and current events in “real life”, make me even happier that I have found the courage to “follow my fish”.
Thank you Carl, and wherever you are, thank you Jenn See.
*little sigh*
I love Jenn’s pictures.
…
*moment of silence*
Wonderful photos. She was incredibly creative.
Beautiful tribute.
What a fitting tribute. Jenn See’s creativity and vitality really shine through her photos. Thank you for sharing her with us once again.
What a beautiful and moving remembrance, Carl! Her photos are wonderful. She was clearly an incredibly talented artist.
The photos are amazing. Jenn See was obviously a truly creative spirit and a dear friend to those who knew her. I checked out the blogs as you suggested. The pain of her family and friends is so tangible, I hope that they are doing okay now, and have learned to live again. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and reminding the world of Jenn See’s wonderful offerings.
This is a beautiful post – so heartbreaking and meaningful.
thank you carl v., for saying the things that i cannot. i keep trying to come back, to blog, but… well, not sure i have an explanation – i guess it’s just hard to come to the fish and find it so still, so relying on me to keep it going. to be honest i don’t know what to do with the fish.
i miss you too carl v.
You speak for those of us who miss her, but can’t bring ourselves to put pen to paper. Heart-breaking.
Thanks Carl. The only thing that truly helps is knowing she will continue to inspire long after you and I are both forgotten.
I miss her, and mysfit, I miss you too.
What a beautifully done tribute for a sensitive person who touched so many lives. I’m so glad to know you because you allow yourself to be touched and touch us in return. There is such a sense of loss permeating this blog. I truely believe that artists touch us in a deeper part of our souls. Thank you. Aren’t those trees wonderful?
I love her photos. Thanks Carl.
Thanks. I don’t have anything to say, so I’m saying it.
beautiful rememberence Carl… it’s not easy looking back sometimes.. but it’s nice you managed to do just that.
I think I would have loved to know her. So many of her favourite things are mine as well – Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett, Tolkien, Monty Python, Regina Spektor.
Her photography is absolutely amazing. I have no words for it.
This was a wonderful tribute to her memory. Thanks for sharing this with us.
Carl,
I have recently lost one of the best friends in my life whom I met initially through the internet, but who soon became a facet of my everyday life. I find it poor logic to say that a person is a better freind because you see them phycially more often than internet friends. I have the opportunity to SEE in person literally thousands of people weekly, I would call few of them a friend to the degree some of the people I have met (both only in cyber space, and some eventually in person) through the internet.
Thank you for sharing Jenn See with us. Her photography is extraordinary, vibrant, ethereal and beautiful and I imagine a shallow reflection of the soul that captured the images on film.
When my friend died a few weeks ago, I was one of the first persons her family called, and it was up to me to then spread the word amongst her friends. For a period of time, I literally held her life in my hands, because until I made those calls, she wasn’t truly dead to those who did not know. It causes me to wonder now, if we really truly die to this earth as long as there are those that remember us in their hearts (I have spiritual beliefs as well, but that is neither here nor there for this comment section).
Carl, First things first,thank you from the bottom of my heart. When I first read this I was truly speechless(Jenn is laughing) but its true. I have gone back at least 3 times to read and look at the pictures. You posted pictures that I have never seen. How did you do that? I am numb today. Just going through the motions. I had such a bad day on Weds. that I think I am cried out. Who knows what will happen in the next hour, not I.
Dana (above) made an interesting point about holding her (friends) life in her hands and to some she wasn’t dead until she told them. I sometimes feel she is out there somewhere and if I could just reach into that other dimension I would find her. You know that I’ve shared many a comment with you about her visits to me and others. She is starting to let us go and that in itself is hard. Life does go on but she will always be in many hearts forever.
Thank you for blurb on the scholarship fund. We’ve given out many awards and its our way of keeping her dreams alive in others.
I’ll be back to put my 2cents in from time to time. Like I told oldben, your stuck with me.
Cynthia
What a lovely post Carl. She sounds like she was a remarkable person. It’s heartbreaking to read her last post. Thanks for sharing her photos.
I’ve been home all day, so I have been periodically checking in to read the comments. I have felt so touched reading some of them, and rather overwhelmed by realizing the impact that some people leave on our lives. How wonderful that Jenn See existed and touched so many lives in such a loving way.
I remember clicking on her site, and reading the sad news. No, sad doesn’t begin to cover the loss, the overwhelming sense of unfairness. It seemed impossible, and yet it was. And there was nothing to do but feel grateful that I saw a small slice of her life and appreciated it.
What a beautiful post Carl. I wish I could’ve known Jenn See and at the same time, I feel like I do know her through your words. What an amazing person…absolutely amazing.
Her photography blows me away. Certain people have that artistic eye…that special gift and she certainly had that. My heart goes out to you and to her friends and family. I can’t imagine how hard it had to be to lose somebody so incredible and so full of creative and inspiring energy. Surely though, that energy still radiates and inspires others as it has inspired me. Through posts like this she’ll continue to inspire people.
I was just talking on my blog the other day about how close blog friends seem to get. I feel very close to certain bloggers out there that I share common interests and passions with. Those relationships can certainly become just as strong as any other friendship in life. Regardless, I can only imagine how heartbreaking it must be when that relationship is torn away. All of my condolences to you and Jenn’s family. I wish you all the best on this day of remembrance. I wish I could’ve had the chance to know this wonderful person.
what a beautiful post.
and what a beautiful talent jenn see was.
i had a look at the tourist site… she is talented in so many ways one can’t even describe it!
thank you for introducing us to her and her work.
Thank you all so much for your wonderful comments, thoughts, etc. It has been very heartwarming to read. It is a privilege to be able to do a remembrance post like this and to point many of you who hadn’t known her to her sites to discover more about her. Thank you for taking the time.
Mysfit has posted about Jennifer on the fish site as well and I encourage you to go over there. Here is the direct link.
Carl – First of all – I am speechless as this is a beautiful tribute. Cynthia sent me the link – she and I have become very close over this past year – Oldben is my son. I cannot tell you how hard it is for a mother to see her child in pain and to weep for the pain of another mother. Jenn was a remarkable young woman in so many ways. She will be with us always. And I too want to thank you for the blurb about the scholarship fund as we are working very hard to make this a success so that her legacy can live on in some way. Thanks.
Mary Ann, thank you so much for your comment and let me assure you that you are not the only one weeping for your son’s loss. Being a male and being happily married to the love of my life for 18 years, the place where I felt the most profound grief during this past year was in thinking of Tim’s loss and how he must feel. I can only imagine, which is a poor substitute, just how he must feel. I cannot imagine losing Mary and my heart breaks for him, and for you as his mother. I’m so very sorry.
Wonderful post Carl. I also have missed Jenn See this last year. She was/is such a creative soul. I’m so thankful for the internet so her passions continue to live on for us all to revisit anytime. She was such a kindred spirit with all of us shareing so many of the same loves. Her last post comments continue to touch me even now. I’m so glad your’re a part of my life Carl and to all of you who visit Carl’s blog I truely value our friendships. This is a wonderful community and even though we only “see” each other through the internet I feel just as connected with all of you as I do with many people in my “real” life. Hai!
Ditto, Jeff!
Outstanding. I’m proud to call you a friend Carl.
Thanks Cameron, I feel the same way about you.
I am a friend of Cynthia’s and I know how much this meant to her as she requested that we view your tribute to Jenn-the thoughts and pictures you shared were very thoughtful and touching-friends are very important no matter how old you are-thanks for sharing-I will be seeing Cynthia today and will tell her that I did view and respond-take care
Carl, thank you for sharing. My heart aches for what we’ve lost and yet rejoices in what Jenn See left behind for us to share.
I will always remember the day
Jen See died–mainly the deep sorrow
in my fathers eyes. Somehow I feel this
is an appropriate quote to give to Jen See:
“It was not into my ear that you whispered,
but into my heart-it was not my lips that you
kissed, but my soul!”
–Judy Garland
My little Jennifer I remember so well-but that was us then. Through pictures and words I get to see where life took you-how much I missed. You inspire me b/c in your short life you accomplished greatness. I miss you everyday.
quite the tribute mr. v. as with mysfit and leftsock i too cannot find the words. i’ve tried to get back to the fish, but i just can’t bring myself to get anything out. maybe it takes more than a year…i dunno. i’ve been torn free of the constraints of time somewhat so it doesn’t really feel like any has passed. it’s all so surreal. i got the hell out of dodge, so to speak, for the one year mark and went to seattle with a close friend of mine and jenn’s. jenn was born out there, just south of the city in kent, wa, and i figured it was a good spot for my own memorial…..and it’s about as far away from staten island as i could get. on friday afternoon penny and i rode a ferry and, one by one, threw roses into the puget sound. it was depressing, naturally, but it also felt very good and i was glad that i didn’t go alone.
thank you again, carl. you were a bigger part of her life than you may realize, you and all of our other blogging friends, and you always managed to bring a smile to her face just by being out there. that means a whole lot to me.
I’m glad you took that trip, Tim. Cynthia has emailed me about it and I thought then, and do now, that it was a great idea. I’m sure it was sad, but healing also in its way. I think of you often and just want you to know, as I’m sure you do, that you are not alone. I understand why you stay offline, I probably would too. Anything I can do to help, ever, just ask.
You’ve done an incredible job here. Although I knew the time was here, it is still hard to believe it’s been a year. Perhaps because her vitality remains! =) Your post is absolutely amazing.
Thanks Livewire, it is so good to hear from you. I feel like the fish have all been scattered to the winds, which is weird considering the ease of connection via the internet. I agree, her vitality does remain and it is hard to believe a year has already passed.
When I was in Italy and after I scattered some of Jenn’s ashes over Florence. A woman on our tour gave me the following poem.
And if I go,
while you’re still here…..
know that I live on
vibrating to a different measure behind a thin veil you cannot see thru.
You will not see me,
so you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar together again, both aware of each other, until then live your
life to the fullest.
And when you need me,
just whisper my name in
your heart,
……..I will be there.
That is wonderful, Cynthia. It expresses everything we feel so well. How nice of that person to think of you and do this!
I agree, art is needed. C.S. Lewis is always a good read.
I didn’t want to see ( and read ) this site until I was able to give it the attention I thought it deserved. Wow, it is hard, and at the same time, wonderful to navigate through ” The Fish”. Thank you, to all that contribute here. And for such a beautiful tribute to the artist and the human being that was Jen. She,and her father, were two amazing people, as are her brother, mother and step father.
I have told Tim , but wish to let all of you know, that Tim allowed the Jen we all knew as a child to resurface. The giggly, happy, intelligent, confident girl was back . To Tim, Tim’s family, and to Jen’s many special friends I can’t thank you enough for that. The transition was beautiful to watch. Family and good friends…there is nothing better in this world.
My tears came back today when I read this. But there was something else that came today that didn’t a year ago. A smile. I never really knew you Carl. But Jen was ….., no I’m not finishing that sentence. She still is. These words of yours and the ones of those who’ve made comments here made me realize that.
Jenn is…. I like that.
Carl, I know it’s been said nearly 40 times already, but thank you. Thank you for such a moving tribute to Jenn, and thanks for helping her memory and legacy remain strong.
Jenn Is….
What more can any of us say?
And it continues…….Zac got it right Jenn is……. I am so taken by all of these comments about her. I was at work last night and felt like she was just going to come breezing thru the door. She never walked into a room but sort of glided with arms waving and smiles for all. You can see her excuberance(sp) in her pictures and can only imagine what she must have been like in real life. She will always make me smile when I think of her. (which is almost 24/7)Cyn
Its me again. Just rereading and reflecting on all that was said about my girl. An amazing thing happened today. I had a photo shoot with a photographer from the Philadelphia Inquirer. He called me much later in the day and told me that ” it was the strangest thing, he had been a photographer for 30 years, 28 for the Inq. seen many things, covered wars but was really touched and moved by all the love that was shown for my daughter. He said she was amazing. He wished that he knew her. I told him he could know her just go on her websites. I thanked him and said it is amazing and “itcontinues….
So its true Jenn is !
This is such a great post. Her pictures are beautiful.
Thinking of you, as I often do. Many of my inspirations seem to be through you these days. My next big move to Korea comes from learning that we must not only breath every breath, but inhale deeply. Thank you for teaching me, inspiring me, and giving me the special memories that always make me smile and laugh.
Oh God I loved you.
I am not sure why, but today I though of Jen and her death. I have some of her photographs saved on my old computer, and found them today after the thoughts of her. I have written poems for her ages ago – Jen I miss you and the beauty you gave this world