Today was one of those days where the feeling of melancholy was just heavy. I’m sure the bland weather had alot to do with it as did the fact that today was sort of a free-day (because of the holiday), a day with no specific pressure to do anything and so consequently it was a day with alot of time for thinking. Usually I love melancholy days and today wasn’t necessarily any different and yet it was. I’ve always been the kind of person who has internal conversations but every since I’ve started blogging, my internal monologue has been going 100 miles per hour….talking to me about commiting more time to creativity…drawing, making things, taking pictures, practicing with Photoshop. Its not that the voice is overbearing, its just getting more insistent and the desire to step out and do something different is growing.
What stops me from embracing these desires is that same thing that has always stopped me…fear. I’ve always struggled with the two things that I believe are necessary to doing anything well…the need to practice and the courage to face failure. I’ve never been one to enjoy practicing or studying. I’ve also always had this irrational fear that if I were to ever step out and begin using my talents in earnest that something would happen to me and I wouldn’t be around to see the completion of whatever I had started. It can be comfortable to just stay where you are and not listen to your heart. While I’m sitting around doing nothing I can harbor the dreams that maybe buried somewhere within me is a talented artist or writer or photographer…..those dreams can be very comforting because as long as they are in my heart there is always hope…always possibility. Having the courage to attempt to make those dreams a reality brings with it the possibility of discovering that I’m not talented in those areas….or that my talents have limits that I’m too afraid to face up to. I also worry about having an inability to handle too many things at one time. I want to be a good father, a good husband, a good friend, a good employee, a good supervisor, a good Christian. Those things take time and I’m not convinced I do any of them well and the idea of adding anything else into the equation can be terrrifying.
So that’s where I’m at. I have a growing feeling of discontent with where I’m at as far as exercising my creativity and an internal voice that’s has gotten more bold since I’ve actually been listening to it lately. Its a hard place to be but also a place that is fraught with possibility. Will anything be different this time? This isn’t the first time that I’ve felt this way and at the same time blogging has opened up a door within me that it seems like I’ve been holding closed for a long time. I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring but I’m open to grow and change and see what happens. I’m on the edge and I pray that I have the courage to jump. Thanks for letting me share….Happy Monday!!!
On a related note I’m curious if any of you bloggers feel the same way about your own internal voice…..I find it very odd that I’m just constantly having these conversations with myself and mulling over things and the possibility of turning them into blog material…its fascinating and quite surprising.
I’m schizophrenic and so am I.
I have really enjoyed reading your blog, Carl. You are a great writer, and you
are just as talented in several other areas. I say – pick creative outlets and go for it!
My darling wife…she’s cute and objective too… 🙂
“Whatever coaxes us out of hiding, to write, record, and express, is a revolutionary act. It says that we believe our lives count: our lives do count.” -SARK
Wasn’t SARK that blonde guy on Alias? Just kidding…very nice quote that quickly sums up all I was trying to say in my post. I hear you may be starting your own blog! Good for you!
Well, Carl, this post does explain why you called me crying yesterday.
You are one of the most creative and talented individuals I have ever known. I look forward to reading your new posts each morning when I arrive at work and check SSD throughout the day. Your writings and expressions are very interesting to read & I find that each day I learn something more about you. Every person in history that has chosen to reval their creativeness and ideas to the world I’m sure had hestitation and irrational fears. But if they had let this stand in their way, we wouldn’t have the great stories we had, the awesome movies we see, or the beautiful artwook we admire. Don’t hide your talent. There will always be critics who do not understand your ideas. However, there will be those of us who truly enjoy your weird, wacky, unique, and wonderful creations and be proud to know you.
Thank you Abby…and no, James, I called you crying because you wouldn’t hold my hand at the movie the other day…even after I shared my popcorn with you.
This relates to your earlier post regarding Johnny Carson. Did you read MSN today? They are turning that house in Norfolk into a memorial. Thought you might be interested in reading the article.
So now they’ll have somewhere to put that creepy life-size statue of him…I’d put it in the window looking out to freak people out…
I have an autographed pic of him at the Meadows that I got during one of his visits. I wonder if it would be worth anything.
Probably not much but you never know…could be.
i find myself in the same boat at times.. then, i remind myself about the parable of the talents.. God gave them to us for a reason.. to be USED.
Carl, can I copy and paste your post onto my blog? You said it all so nicely, there’s not much more I can add to it. I’ve had *exactly* the same thoughts in my head for a long time now. And they get louder and louder the longer I work in the tech industry. Talk about a creativity stifling career move!
Ok, you talked me into it. A couple additions after all:
1) I don’t know about you, but I tend toward ADD-like attention span. That can be a real hindrance to creative expression which takes extra patience
2) I find that my desire for creative outlet is addictive. The more I want to be creative, the more unhappy I get in my present hobby. See what I mean?
I guess for me, I’m also trying to understand my motives for creativity. Why do I really want to play the guitar in front of an audience? Is it for me, or for recognition, or what? Do I think that will finally make me happy?
Sorry C-Man, didn’t mean to put a damper on your enthusiasm. I’m excited for you! I too get that wanderlust gleam in my eye. For me, I just have to also curb it when it makes me ungrateful for what I have.
Jimmy Neutron, you’re a funny dude!
Yes Rob, feel free to copy, paste, and add whatever you want to it. I’m not ADD so much but I do get that thing where I frequently find more and more things I’m interested in doing and the things that I enjoy doing seem to go in cycles…I read more at certain times of the year…I’m into outdoor activities at certain times (obviously when the weather is nice)…I can tell what time of year it is just by what I’m interested in at the time and every year it comes around like clockwork. I look at motivation alot too but I’ve found that wondering what my motives are for wanting to create art, write, etc is often just another excuse I use for not doing anything and remaining stagnant. I’m a big one for latching onto excuses and not changing.
Hmm, good points. You’ve given me more food for thought…
C-Man, you got trackback working here?
I think so…the old version seemed to have a checkbox in the admin area for trackbacks…can’t seem to find it. Jimmy?
Seems like trackbacks are an issue that may not be fixed with this new version at this time. There are some supposed fixes in the support area but the tech speak is more than my head wants to try to wrap itself around at this time…hopefully James has looked into this as well and can be my blog sugar daddy and help me out.
Send me a link you dork and I’ll fix it for you.
n00bie!
See if it works now, Robbie.
It’s still broken, I’ll have to mess with it tomorrow. I’m tired.
I don’t know how to even set up a trackback to test and see if it is working.
Rob, help me!
Jimmy-D,
I don’t know how your commenting thing works in WordPress, cuz I use a third party tool called HaloScan.
But for what it’s worth, go to one of my entries and click the Trackback link. It gives you a URL which you can copy and paste into your blog.
That’s about all I know.
You can click on the title of any post on this site and it will take you to a specific page (permalink) for that post which can be pasted in another post on this or another site. If its working properly and someone links to that post then it should put a comment in my ‘comments’ section on that post showing that its been linked to…at least this is what it did in 1.2….unfortunately I deleted those posts or you could look at them Jimmy.
Well, I’m messing with getting it to work.
Here is an explanation.
http://codex.wordpress.org/Introduction_to_Blogging#Trackbacks