(shadow on fence, Ventnor, NJ., photo by Jenn See)
“Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today.”
~James Dean
It is evening and the day is almost done. I have been absent for a fortnight, and yet I could not let this day, of all days, pass without settling in with all who would take the time to read this. Today I could not help but reflect back upon the very humble beginnings of this online adventure. I was a wanderer, traveling without a map, looking for kindred spirits with whom I could share this journey. While on this road, I stumbled upon a mention of fish, a familiar image of Delirium, from Neil Gaiman’s Sandman, and, of all things, a very gorgeous picture of Audrey Tautou. In that moment I knew I was among friends. On that day I met Mysfit, Old Ben, and Jenn See–the triumvirate of Following My Fish. And that day made me realize just how much fun I could have with this blog. It really was the moment which planted the seeds of what Stainless Steel Droppings has become.
(under the cherry tree, DC. photo by oldben.)
Three years ago a creative spark was taken out of the world. Jenn See…Jennifer…was taken suddenly from the midst of family and friends. On the first anniversary of her death I posted this tribute, filled with her photographs. Last year I hosted a week long fundraiser introducing you to various artists whose creative spirit mirrored that of Jennifer. This year I want to host another fundraiser but I want to wait and do so in September when the annual Jan-Ai Scholarship event takes place.
So what to do about today? That was what I was thinking about over this past week. It would be easy to say more of what I have already said in the past, and yet part of me feels that rehashing those feelings and words would dishonor what I have expressed previously and would in turn dishonor the memory of Jenn See and the inspiration she was to me. Another part of me felt the need to express that she is not forgotten, that though time has passed it has not lessened the impact of one taken before her time…the feelings have changed and grown, but they have not been forgotten or left behind. The need to bang a drum and say “Hey, look here! This one life did make a difference. It did make an impact. And so do you!”
And then it came to me that what I really should do is share with you what went on in my life two weeks ago today and how it was one of many incidents in my 40 years that has made me appreciate the life I have been given and really made me ponder the many aspects of the personal loss I felt when Jennifer passed away. Life is so very precious.
Two weeks ago today my wife went in for a routine surgery. Benign fibroids had grown in her uterus and had gotten large enough that her doctor insisted she have surgery. Nowadays a hysterectomy certainly seems routine, but you cannot help but feel anxious anytime someone goes in for any kind of surgery. They always tell you the worst, and although it isn’t to prepare you for anything, simply to cover themselves if something were to go wrong, you cannot help but be a little fearful. The surgery was supposed to start in the early afternoon and be over in a couple of hours. It ended up starting in the late afternoon and went much longer than we had anticipated. When the doctor came down to the waiting room to meet with me, Tori, and Mary’s brother John, she did not sugar coat the fact that the surgery was much harder than anticipated, the fibroids were much bigger than had been thought, and Mary lost a lot of blood. It was scary. It was scary for us to hear and by the doctors own report on several occasions afterward, it was a scary situation for them during surgery.
Fortunately when the doctor came to give us our report, Mary was on her way to recovery. They had initially said that she would perhaps be out by the following day. The difficulty of the surgery and the blood loss instead meant that she did not leave the hospital until Thursday afternoon that week. For the past week and a half she has steadily improved and other than continuing soreness and the fact that she gets easily tired, she is really doing great. It isn’t necessarily a dramatic story. The drama happened while we sat and entertained ourselves in the waiting room. And while all three of us would admit to great anxiety over what was taking so long, week’s worth of prayer and confidence in God gave us all a great peace as well. However it served to illustrate, as these things are wont to do, that time really is shorter than any of us can imagine. We hang on by the narrowest of threads and it is by the grace of a loving Creator that we are blessed with the days that we have. I am so very glad that the ‘routine’ surgery ultimately ended up being just that. Mary will be a much healthier and happier person for having had the surgery, once she is more fully recovered. It has been a tiring week, what with going back to work and dealing with things that piled up after taking a week off AND doing laundry, grocery shopping, etc. But let me tell you, I have done all of these things with a grateful heart because each time I do something like this I realize that I am doing it for someone I adore and someone who is still with me to continue to love and adore.
I was reluctant to share this earlier primarily because work and life have conspired over the last several months to make this blog more of a confessional than a place to get together and share our passions and be entertained. I know it is important to have a balance and here lately I feel that all I have been doing is having great absences followed by self-actualized posts meant to ponder the meaning of existence. Okay, maybe nothing that melodramatic, but it sure feels that way to me. Thinking about remembering and honoring Jenn See this weekend made me want to share this. She inspired me with the way she viewed the world and the way that she approached life. And in her untimely passing she continues to inspire me to look at each day as a true gift, to pursue and share my passions with anyone I can, and to not take life for granted.
Not taking life for granted can itself be a cliche, but I truly mean it, and I know that each and every one of you understand and have had similar moments of clarity and renewed respect for the gift we’ve been given…the gift of life.
Look for more about Jenn See and the legacy she is leaving behind through the work of her family and friends coming up in September. Do me a favor and, if you haven’t done so, go back to the start of this post and check out that link that showcases just a small portion of Jenn See’s photographs and read a little bit about what an incredible person she was.
And do me another favor. Honor her memory this week by taking a moment to truly be thankful for what you have, regardless of just how rough your circumstances might be right now. And also take a moment to nurture your own creativity, even if that means simply dreaming about some creative venture you want to tackle someday.
Jennifer Cakert was truly a remarkable individual and she leaves behind a remarkable family, particularly her mother Cynthia who has been a friend and presence on this site for a long time. You and your family are in my prayers and thoughts this week and no doubt will be in the minds of many others now. Thank you for once again allowing me to tap in to the inspiration that your daughter helped spark and thank you for what you do for young artists through the scholarship fund. And Jennifer…you are missed. You truly are.
“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”
~Ashley Smith
(sunlight over fence, SI., photo by Jenn See)
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
~Howard Thurman
I am glad that Mary is feeling better! I can imagine that all could be pretty scary. Jenn See is a great photographer. I have been reading your posts about her each year and I always think the same thing! It is a shame that such talent isn’t still around to be enjoyed.
I’m so glad to hear that Mary is on the mend Carl. Send her my thoughts! They’re with you too of course as they have been. These posts remembering Jenn are always so bittersweet. I know I would’ve loved her if I had known her, but I appreciate that I’ve gotten to know her at all through your posts. Great post, Carl.
So many things in this life are taken for granted. We all need to take advantage of reminders like this to put our priorities back in order and strengthen relationships in the here and now. Be well, Carl and Mary, in the here and Jenn in the someday.
I’m glad Mary is mending well.. it’s really strange how time goes so slow when we want it to go fast, such as when someone we love is on the mend.. yet time goes so fast when we want it to slow down so we might live to ejoy another day…
I hope Mary’s recovery continues to improve daily!
Oh Carl, I don’t think you understand the gift that you are. That your blog is. I really, truly don’t think you get it. It doesn’t matter whether you’re writing about art, about books, about personal introspection. See, there’s this common thread…every post you write is filled with inspiration. After all, creativity is about more than creating. It’s about living.
I agree with Chris, your posts about Jenn are always bittersweet. I love reading them, but my heart aches for you, for her family, for her other friends. But it is so wonderful how she lives on in her art, and in the beautiful stories her friends share.
And Carl, I’m so happy to hear that Mary is continuing to feel better each day. I’ve been thinking about you all so much. May she be back to 100% before you know it!
Carl, as always you inspire. There aren’t enough words to thank you for your continued support of The Jan-Scholarship Fund. I am so glad she touched your life and that you had a chance to comnect with her and all the “other fishies”. We, her family are surviving, thriving and living life. Sometimes I know she is watching (and laughing) but I also know that she is out there being Jenn See and that’s as it should be.
Give Mary hugs, keep doing laundry, food shopping and just being you.
Love,
Cynthia
Oh, Carl…
I don’t even know where to begin… First off, I’m glad to hear that Mary is recovering and send her many healing thoughts! May she be back to 100% before you know it! (To steal Debi’s phrase. Why fiddle with perfection?)
You know that I never knew Jenn See, but she does sound a wonderful and loving person and your posts and thoughts have brought tears to my eyes and my heart aches for you, her family, her friends… It sounds like the Jan-Ai scholarship is a beautiful way to honour her memory. One she would have been… I’m not sure what the correct verb here is, but I suspect you know the sentiment.
(And I also echo Debi’s first paragraph entirely. All your posts are filled with this sense of wonder and beauty – and, yes, sometimes sadness – and such tenderness and love… Really, you don’t have to worry about the ‘balance’, especially not with your life having been what it has in the past couple of weeks. *hugs*)
Thank you for letting me get to know Jenn See a little, Carl, and for making me think on things that should be thought of more often lest they be taken for granted.
And, again, my best wishes to Mary and you.
A beautiful, tenderhearted post, Carl. I’m glad to hear that Mary is doing well, although it definitely takes awhile to get back to normal energies after something like that. Also, your tribute to Jenn See was lovely, and so were the reminders to live life to its fullest. Best wishes.
oh, carl! that must’ve been so scary for you!
i’m so glad that it was just a routine operation after all!
Carl, I can only repeat what others have been saying: I am so sorry for what you have been going through these past 2 weeks, but so so glad that Mary is doing well, and that she continues to improve. Your blog is an inspiration in so many ways. And I will check out the link to your friend’s photos. If the rest are like the one you chose to open this post, she was an artist, indeed.
Best to you and your family.
Hey everyone, thank you so much for your response to this post. I appreciate all the kind words for Mary and myself and also the kind thoughts and words for Jenn See and her family. I’ve said many a time that I am an advocate for the fact that strong bonds can be formed with others despite not getting together in any kind of physical proximity and Jenn See was certainly one of the first that taught me this lesson. She certainly has not been the last. There have been some very dear relationships formed over the last several years of blogging and whenever the other parts of life interrupt my blog relationships I really do miss everyone and feel the loss of that contact. Fortunately these times of stress pass and things settle down once again.
Love you all dearly.
Glad to hear that things turned out okay Carl. Hope Mary recovers quickly.
I’ve been away from www-land too recently, so its nice to pop in and hear good news, and good memories of Jenn 🙂
Thank you all for your kind words and well wishes for my speedy recovery. I am doing much better this week, and I am thankful for a great husband, daughter, and family & friends who have helped out so much during my recovery.
I love that picture of Jenn See with the red umbrella. Great choice, Carl.
I’m so glad to hear that Mary is on the mend. I can only imagine how terrifying it must have been for all of you.
Thank you, also, for these posts that remind us of what really matters. It’s all too easy to forget.
A wonderful post, Carl. I’m so glad that Mary is recovering well, that must have been a very frightening experience for all concerned.
A very beautiful and thought provoking post. I am so sorry to hear about your Mary but am happy to hear that the story has a happy ending.
Jenn continues to inspire so many people three years later it it never fails to be amazing. Thank you for your support of the Jan-Ai Scholarship Fund and for the kind words and the best to you and Mary.
I am so glad to see you back online, and to know that the crisis has passed. Thoughts and prayers for Mary – thank goodness she is over the worst!
Your blog wouldn’t be as enjoyable if you didn’t get “personal” now and then. One does want to be privy to the trials and tribulations of a friends life – to be supportive – in thanks for all that friend gives. Please don’t ever apologize for sharing your woes or personal travels and travails, Carl.
I hope you and your family are enjoying the heat of summer, and the normalcy that has returned to your lives. Best wishes to Mary.
“self-actualized posts meant to ponder the meaning of existence” are my favorite kind of posts.
Like this one, which touches all of our hearts.
Happy thoughts & wishes coming your way…. and a promise to take the time today to pause for the beauty of the seemingly mundane.
You are so right Carl; I had a terrible scare over my father’s health at the end of last week and it does bring home how suddenly everything can change. I’m so glad Mary is getting better. Positive thoughts heading your way from sunny London!
I am so thankful Mary is recovering well. It was a treat to have her join us today. Up is a remarkable movie. I was quite touched by it. It follows the theme of this post. Life is an adventure. It reminded me of the quote, “life is what happens while your making other plans”.
Jenn had an extraordinary eye for photography. Amazing.
I am so glad Mary is recovering – hysterectomies are painful under the best of circumstances – I helped my mother through hers. Regarding your blog, I think those of us who have been blogging a long time can only expect that our blogs will morph, change, return, morph, change and return…it is one of the things I love best about reading long-time blogs!
So here I sit, crying, because a dear friend of ours passed away last weekend, and I find out your own Mary came close to passing away too….I’m very very happy for all of you that she didn’t, and that you have her to cherish still. Please don’t think your sharing your life with us infringes on what we think blogging about books is supposed to be, Carl. Books are from life, and about life, and maybe one of the real joys of talking about books, is that we find our way to each other too. If we can’t take life out of books, how should we expect to make our writing about books not be about our lives, too? I am enriched by all that you share with us, because it’s you, and your lovely wife and daughter and your car and the things you love, and I think that is what makes blogging so special. Somehow, impossibly, even though none of us have met, through blogging we meet anyway. Hugs to you and Mary, from sunny Ottawa, and more prayers for a very speedy recovery!
As I read these posts, I am not surprised by how many lives you have touched and all the people that care for you and your family. Just the fact that you remember my Jenn and call attention to what we are doing in her memory is amazing. I am happy to be a small part of your world. Thank you.
I’m very happy to hear that Mary is ok; I hope her recovery is swift!
I’m so glad the surgery went well. All that waiting is so truly harrowing. May her recovery be very quick!
A very inspirational post, Carl. Reality is at it’s most vivid when our lives are in jeopardy. Such scary times helps us remember not to take normal days for granted and sleep through life. By blogging about Mary’s close call and your feelings, you help me remember. That’s what good writing is all about. Thanks.
Carl, you are such a fascinating blogger that I wonder what Mary is like. Does she blog? I’d like to see you through her eyes.
Beautiful post. I have been there and I do remember how quickly things can change, and I love with all I have, those I am with today.