(photo by Carl V.)
“It may serve as a comfort to us, in all our calamities and afflictions, that he that loses anything and gets wisdom by it is a gainer by the loss”
~L. Estrange
Comfort. It is a word, and idea, that has been foremost in my mind for several weeks now. As much as I believe that life is about joy and love and living, it is also about calamity and pain and struggle and loss. Life has been a real struggle for me of late, primarily due to work related issues. A job that was always difficult has become more so with company layoffs and an ever-increasing work load. Sure, I’ve had bad weeks before, but I’ve never experienced such a sustained period of nearly overwhelming stress in my entire existence. I know it will get better, I truly believe that. But what do I do now, in the midst of the storm, to find comfort and peace?
Death has touched us, as it touches people everywhere, every day, whether we personally are cognizant of it or not. The end of 2008 saw the death of a much beloved community builder in the book blog world. Deslily, one of my dear internet friends, has seen the loss of her brother and a dear friend in fairly rapid succession. Neil Gaiman just lost his father. And recently my elementary school teacher lost her husband. He was only in his 50s. He was driving along the road and someone ran a stop sign and killed him. Every Christmas I think of writing this teacher. She gave me an ornament in the 3rd grade that I cherish and each year as I put it up I swear that I am going to sit down and write her a letter. And every year passes and I do not get to it. It has taken death to move me to reach out.
“There is peace and rest and comfort in sorrow.”
~Soren Kierkegaard
Perhaps it goes without saying that the greatest source of comfort in our lives is each other. But I am going to say it anyway. If the phenomenon of blogging has proved anything, it is that relationships need know no barriers; that love and comfort and support can be transmitted over any distance, any time of the day or night. The warmth of a well-timed word, or the simple gesture of sending a few intoxicating bags of cinnamon tea in response to a comment on a blog (thank you Debi), can be staggering in their effect on one’s spirit and psyche.
Add to that the warmth and comfort of a spouse who has been with you through thick and thin, or dear friends who understand the healing power of a good film, “meaningless” conversation, or a warm bowl of homemade soup (preferably all of the above), and it is readily apparent that we make an enormous difference in the lives of those around us, especially when it comes to the need to be comforted in the midst of anything, from the most minor bad day to the loss of someone we love.
But this post is not about that. Well, yes it is actually, but it started out to be about something different. It was meant to be a post about the little things that we find comfort in besides each other. When I started, though, it was relationships that came out first and foremost. I believe that partially this is due to the pattern I find myself falling into when things get overwhelming: I disappear. It is never something I am aware of until I have been gone for some time, but over the course of my life I have certainly had the habit of “checking out”. I have had conversations with friends and loved ones about this, more often than not because I’ve been living in a “no vacancy” zone for a number of days or weeks and it begins to affect those around me. It is certainly not something I am proud of, nor is it something I particularly enjoy about myself. If there is one thing I feel I am constantly working on within myself, it is this habit of disappearing.
Now I know that some amount of this is healthy. It is so very, very easy to get caught up in too many commitments. That has become more true with the advent of blogging, as those of us who blog regularly know. What I have been thinking about lately is, how does one take the time to care for oneself…to find comfort…while not just emotionally disconnecting from life for periods of time. As much as I know and advocate for reaching out to one another for comfort, I also believe that a person has to stop every so often and find comfort in something quiet and personal in order to stay healthy and balanced. I am curious what those things are for you.
Reading is certainly one of my greatest individual comforts. When I find myself feeling out of control, one of the greatest comforts is to bypass the too be read pile and go for an old favorite. Recently I picked up and read The Stainless Steel Rat. At a little over 100 pages it is a very slight book, but that story carries with it the combined comfort of nearly a lifetime of reading. Going to a favorite from my youth is like being immersed in a warm tub of memories stretching back to the first time I read it. Reading old favorites is truly a balm to the spirit in times of stress. This is no criticism of others, just a personal observation: I cannot imagine a life without the written word. The healing and inspiring power of story has been an integral part of my formation for as long as I can remember, dating back to my mother reading to me as a child.
Music is also a wonderful source of comfort. Sarah Brightman’s latest concert DVD, Live in Vienna, finally came out yesterday. I had a Barnes and Noble gift certificate from my sweetie from Valentine’s Day that allowed me to be impulsive and rush out and buy it. I feel a deep connection with her music, most especially because I was introduced to her music through a dear friend, and watching the concert before bed last night was like being wrapped in a warm blanket of comfort and familiarity.
Even traditional ‘time wasters’ like television can be a comfort, depending on how it is used. My wife and I have been enjoying the British television series, Coupling, through Netflix and have nearly completed the first season of How I Met Your Mother. To watch shows about relationships that are genuinely funny, with a touch of the sentimental, with your spouse…to belly-laugh out loud together…is a comfort beyond measure.
The trick with any “thing” that we find comfort in is not to so entirely lose oneself in it that it ceases to be a tool of comfort and becomes instead a blanket to hide under. I am not always good at that trick. Comfort itself can become intoxicating and it can be easy to be lost in those things that one enjoys to the point that you lose touch. I’ve been a bit lost lately, to be sure. I find myself struggling to find that balance between taking care of my own needs and being available to the people in my life, both here “in the flesh” and over the world wide web. I also frankly struggle with truly being available to myself and my deeper needs and wishes and wants.
And so I put it to you, dear reader. With what do you seek comfort? In what do you find solace? How do you maintain a demanding workload, give your all to the relationships that mean so very much to you, devote time to the creative urges that nibble at your consciousness (or chomp down on your backside and won’t let go)? How do you enjoy each and every day for what it is in a way that doesn’t find you looking back and wondering what just happened to the last month? In some way these questions are facetious, as we all know it is just something we do. It is perhaps what makes life so damn amazing that we are constantly struggling with demands on our attention, desires, sorrows and pains. And yet there is also a yearning in the questions. A desire to come together in our shared struggles and say ‘this is what I do to find comfort, to find peace’. And so your thoughts are of course so very, very welcome.
In the midst of my stress the other day, I saw this quote that certainly isn’t new or unique, but it still made me smile. It seemed to encompass all that I was feeling in a one-sentence admonishment to not be swallowed up in the tide of turmoil. It is attributed to George Eliot, but some scouring of the internet puts its true origin in question. Never the less, it spoke to me.
“It’s never too late to be who you might have been.”
(photo by Carl V.)
What a wonderful post. I too have been going through a lot recently and have been taking time to take care of myself. Curling up with a good book, movie, or show is definitely a way to get my mind some peace and rest. I am trying to get back into running which always clears my head a bit. And just spending some stress free time with my husband and just laughing. I recently found a friend/co-worker who is going through some stuff I didn’t know about so we are getting together to just blab, talk, rant, and just feel like we are normal and not alone.
By the way, I recently read Jack Finney’s book Time and Again and couldn’t remember who recommended it to me. Could it have been you?
Oh Carl, I noticed you weren’t blogging much lately, and I’m sorry it’s due to work stress and loss. I am not sure how to answer your very good questions, since they are ones I am posing and going through myself. A co-worker passed away on Monday, which has upset our office – it was expected, but still deeply sad, she was our age (mid-40’s) and left two fairly young children behind. Another dear friend is also dying of cancer, and now we’ve heard about one of my husband’s relatives becoming quite ill. At times like these, I’m like you: I turn to books, and to tv, to comfort me. And I tend to stay within my family, very quiet, not going out much, hiding away until I feel I can deal with the demands of life. It’s not something I am very proud of, that I can’t take loss without it unbalancing me, but maybe it’s my illusions that have to be let go of- we are connected, and every loss means something. I still feel Dewey’s loss, even though I barely had time to make her acquaintance. And I think this is what makes life be real: that a word here or there, a smile, a shared passion, is what life is really all about.
So what do I turn to? Veronica Mars, on tv. Star Wars – don’t ask me, it’s one of my beloved movies from my childhood, and I’m introducing it to my 6 year old daughter now! Just reading helps me – reading new books especially. I hide in books, I find myself in books, I find ways to cope through books. I also write when I’m trying to find my way through loss or upheaval, in my journal and poetry.
And there’s always chocolate.
thanks so much for posting, and for taking time to share your thoughts and feelings. I wish I could do more than write here, but as our experience with Dewey has shown, blogging is important. I’m so sorry, Carl, for your loss and the tough times at your work.
And I believe that quote is from Middlemarch by George Eliot, it certainly looks very familiar.
Amanda: I’ll certainly take credit for recommending Time and Again, it is one of those novels I try to bring into conversation when people talk about time travel books, or books for people who aren’t necessarily in to ‘sci fi’ or what have you. It is wonderful. There is another book that I own but haven’t read…but I’ve given it to others who report that it is amazing. It is The Little Book by Seldon Edwards. It took him decades to write and seems to me to be similar in time period to Time and Again. I’ll hopefully be reading it soon, but I highly recommend it simply based on the trust of people who’ve told me it is a must read.
I’ve been starting to walk again on nice days, which clears my head as well. I cannot wait for consistent nice weather so that I can be outside more.
Susan: Thank you. My losses have been insignificant in comparison to people like Deslily and even you and your co-workers. I am so very sorry. I have a peer at my job who is off right now due to having a double mastectomy. It was heartbreaking when she told us that had to happen. She is doing well, but still cancer is scary and sad. I’m so sorry for your co-worker loss. Even more sorry considering her age and leaving behind children.
You certainly don’t have to explain Star Wars to me…it is a beloved childhood movie of mine as well. I enjoyed introducing it to my daughter when she was younger and always enjoy my friends who have younger children that have grown to really love Star Wars.
And chocolate! I was at the grocery store picking up medicine for Mary yesterday and decided that I really need to eat some Heath Bars. I couldn’t find the bite sized ones so I bought a package of the regular sized ones. They are every bit as wonderful!!! 🙂
Part of my saying the questions were facetious is the fact that, as you mention, stress and loss do unbalance us. That is part of what makes us human. If we could take everything in stride we would be automatons. We certainly wouldn’t be very interesting and neither would life be very rewarding. Still, I think searching for balance and healthy was to deal with stress and loss are important things to be cognizant of.
As for the quote, I was on one site of an Eliot lover who said they found sections of some book that they think this quote was cobbled together from. Either way, I still really enjoyed reading it. It hit the spot.
I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been going through a rough time Carl. I figured something was going on and I was going to email you the other day to see if everything was ok…I should have.
I do the same thing as you whenever life becomes overwhelming…I disappear. Occasionally I’ll just stop blogging for a little while, stop reading, and just stay in my room with the door closed doing God knows what. It’s not the healthiest way to cope in the world, but it works for me. I could certainly use a better technique for dealing with stress! But right now, I just shut down.
I noticed Susan talked about watching Star Wars to cheer up. I did the same thing the other day with Lord of the Rings. The movies were on TV and I just spent the whole weekend pretty much lying in bed and soaking them up. And then I picked my wonderful edition of The Hobbit up off of my shelf (the one that you gave me in that boxset) and melted into that familiar land for a little while.
i hope things turn around for you soon Carl. I’m a big fan of the saying “it can’t get much worse” but occasionally it does…but eventually it gets better.
Oh, and here’s one more piece of news to cheer you up…Audrey Nifenegger’s second book is to be published in September! Fially! And she’s getting $5 million for it 😮
In the past, I’ve turned to food and drink (my favorite drug of choice, caffeine and sugar: Dr. Pepper; Coke), I’ve turned to my mom, of course, I feel she’s one of the only people that have ever-always understood me. I’ve turned to music–pumping up my favorite song and/or favorite album. Losing myself in the melody. Drowning out my thoughts altogether. The second half of the White Album used to always worked for me…somewhere between “Everybody’s Got Something to Hide” and ” Cry, Baby, Cry” my angst gets dispersed. I’ve resorted to books too. Escaping in a good book, a comfortable book. Speaking of which, sometimes nothing feels better than having a good old ugly cry.
Right now–and don’t laugh til you’ve tried it–I’ve discovered Sweet Baby’s Baby Beatles. Though I might sound like a crazy person, it really does have a calming effect. It flips the switch on stress.
Chris: Finally is right!!! Although I can certainly understand it taking a long time. She’s got some big shoes to fill, I don’t envy her. We all certainly will be comparing it to Time Traveler’s Wife.
Someone, I think it was Kerry (Quigrainne) mentioned something the other day akin to the idea that it sometimes our bodies and minds need that shut down time. And I agree and certainly am not advocating a regimented ‘no shutting down’ lifestyle. It is the unaware nature of it that bothers me. I hate “coming to” and realizing I’ve been gone for awhile and time has passed. I want to be better about recognizing where I am and addressing it in a healthy way, even if that means shutting down for a bit. In the field you and I are in it seems to be expected that we would be more aware of ourselves (though you and I both know that isn’t true and can point to several co-workers who certainly don’t seem to have it together enough to be helping anyone else). Sometimes I feel guilty that I don’t have as much insight into myself as I appear to have into others.
Its funny that you mention Lord of the Rings as a friend was just telling me he did the same thing recently and I’ve really been lamenting the fact that I didn’t do my traditional watching of the movies during my birthday week or during Christmas time. I suspect I’ll be watching them during the Once Upon a Time Challenge as I am really starting to jones for them. The Lord of the Rings symphony is going to be here in May and I’d love to go but I just cannot afford it. For the price of good tickets I could get all three boxed sets of the complete recordings (which I covet) and still have money left over. I’d rather buy those and crank up my stereo at home.
Becky: Ah, that’s great. There are all kinds of things I like that are stress relieving and comforting that would sound crazy, so I am not one to judge! Whatever it takes! Food is certainly a wonderful source of comfort relief. My secretary went out for lunch and brought me back a bowl of chicken noodle soup from this wonderful restaurant and it really hit the spot. It felt sooo good to be eating that and drinking a nice cup of sweet iced tea. The simple things!!!
Carl, this may well be the most beautiful post I’ve ever read. I can’t tell you how much you’ve been in my thoughts, and I am so very grateful that you felt like posting. Or that you posted, even if you didn’t really feel like it. I’m so sorry to hear that things aren’t getting any better at work. I really, truly am. I understand what you said to Susan about your losses being insignificant in comparison to DesLily’s…my heart has been aching so much for her. But stress isn’t an insignificant thing. Stress like you’re under can not only kill joy, but it can take a toll on your body, too. I’m so glad you’re searching out your sources of comfort…that is the healthiest thing I can think of. And while you’re right that it probably isn’t the greatest idea to hide away, you’re ahead of the game in realizing that you do it and that you’re making an effort to reach out. I hope you’ll keep doing so.
I’ve been sitting here trying to think about what kind of “things” give me comfort, and I’ve realized something I don’t think I ever realized before. I don’t think I turn to the things I love, like books or crafting. I turn to making lists. To writing things down. As if somehow getting it on paper, whatever “it” is, somehow leaves my brain a little more room to breathe. At some of the worst times in my life, I’ve been known just sit with a notebook and fill page after page after page with “stuff.”
Please, please, please take care of yourself, Carl! I’m so hoping that things at work improve, and improve SOON! And in the meantime, do me a favor…remember how much you’re loved out here!
Hi Carl,
I’m sorry to hear that things are currently so rough, but heartened to see that you are keeping your chin up and know that it won’t last forever. You’re absolutely right–when things get stressful, nothing replaces the comforts provided by family and friends. I’m going through a rough phase too, but find that having a private project of my own realy helps.
I’m working on a novel, am some 40,000 words in, and find that it works as a touchstone for me, something I can go to in the evenings and sublimate myself into. And after a good bout of writing, I just feel better about everything. Like I’ve injected some tangible worth into my life, have been productive in a way that really counts, deep down. It’s a private satisfaction that’s hard to beat, and that really helps ameliorate the stress.
And of course, there’s always, always reading. I’m in the midst of Lord Dunsany’s King Of Elfland’s Daughter, having finished in short order The Etched City, The Secret History of Moscow and The Forever War. But you were right (you seem to be consistently on the money) when you said one must beware of not using these comforts as blankets which to hide under. It’s so tempting!
Anyway. Thank you again for the thoughtful post. Sharing thoughts like these takes both a measure of courage and generosity, and I appreciate it. Hope that things soon begin to improve!
Debi: I’m trying very hard to take care of myself and honestly my boss has been very, very helpful to me in my period of crisis lately. You mention making lists and I was so amazed at just how helpful it was to me last week to sit down and make a list of projects at work and all the steps underneath each one that has to be taken. At her request I then took those and made a priority list and that is what I’ve been working off of.
My job has always been hard. I work in a community mental health center. Along with an assistant director I am in charge of a program that provides case management services for adults that is made up of approximately 22 people who work under me. I supervise a youth program that does the same thing that has 8 people. I supervise a foster care program, a crisis house, a group home, a semi-independent apartment complex, a school therapy program, a juvenile detention center program, a day treatment program for adults, and the list goes on and on. It seems diverse but all these programs actually fit together. Each program has at least one supervisor who works directly with me. The problem is that with layoffs several of these supervisors have had to take on additional duties which means I’ve had to do so as well. The nature of my job is that we are always working on new projects as well and trying to make enough money to stay open and provide services to all these people with legitimate needs. The economy has hit us hard as well and the pressures to make money and to provide good service and to get all these new programs off the ground while actually being a resource for my staff to come to has just gotten to be out of control.
As I said, I know it will get better. But it isn’t getting better with the quickness that it has before and each day I get farther and farther behind because of all that goes on. And I’m not even sharing the half of it because I don’t want to bore you to sleep.
I know others have had this kind of work stress before and its not unique to me, so I feel like a bit of a whiner. But for me, things have been relatively easy up to this point…especially in comparison to the way that it is now. I’m not used to work having such a negative effect on my personal life for such a long period. I feel so exhausted every day that all I want to do is go home and disconnect.
But that is hurting me and not helping me. I need to reconnect. I honestly cannot wait for the Once Upon a Time Challenge simply because it is something I am used to doing, this being its third year and my 6th or 7th challenge. It will be comforting returning to a familiar format and getting back into that groove. Plus Once Upon a Time means Spring and spring weather never ceases to infuse me with energy.
Last Thursday or Friday it was really nice weather and I honestly felt, despite all that was going on, that all was right with the world. Good weather is a remarkable healing agent!
I appreciate the love and support, I really do, and I always want to be in a place to give that love and support back to the rest of you because you mean so much to me.
Thanks Debi. And thanks for the surprise tea! I loved getting that.
Phil: I’m sorry to hear you are going through a rough phase as well. I knew I was in good company, but secretly wished I was not…I rather that everyone else be living in days of wine and roses rather than us all suffering together! 🙂
A private project is great. Congrats on working on your novel. If you read between the lines of my post there was some reference to my own creative desires in there as well. Whenever I realize that I’ve ‘checked out’ for a long period the realization that instead of losing myself in something productive I have lost myself in something that is a time waster kind of nags at me. Though not to the point that I’ve made any lasting change other than whining about it yet again. I’ve certainly made some progress, don’t get me wrong, but there are still some big changes I want to make in my life and it would be nice to be through the rough part…the part that actually involves making the change.
Great list of books. I have King of Elfland’s Daughter on the shelf and really want to get to Ekaterina’s newest novel soon. I’m a big fan of Haldeman but haven’t read Forever War up to this point.
I’ve had what I would consider to be a relatively easy life so far. I had a good childhood, am in a happy marriage and two wonderful kids and so when my mother died last year at the age of 65 and I was diagnosed with breast cancer a few short weeks later, I was unprepared. I spent a lot of time while my Mom was sick watching back episodes of The Office, since it made me laugh. I listen to my ipod while getting chemo so I can relax and I recently have gotten back to my first love, reading. Life throws you a curveball sometimes – you just need to keep your head above water. I hope things get better for you at work soon.
Work and money matters have had me completely stressed out for some time now as well as you know and I hate the fact that I feel like I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel inregards to these as well. Employers just seem to be pileing on and on those employees they have left that they haven’t layed off. With the economy tanking, home values falling, and 401k’s dropping with the stop market it’s no wonder so many people are stressed out right now.
As always I’m there for you 24/7/365 I hope you really know that. I know you do but I figure it never hurts to repeat it. 🙂
Things I do to keep myself half way sane. I always find time to read every day. No matter how late I have to stay up even if it’s only for a few pages. Spending time with my wife each day for atleast a few minutes of quality time after the kids go to bed. Petting my cat. I always feel better after petting my cat. I really believe animals help our moods. Spending time with my friends. They keep my thoughts off my troubles. As for TV and movies as much as like some of them I really enjoy watching Sports more than anything else. I’m secretly so excited the baseball season and march madness are almost upon us. It’s crazy how much we talk and shows and movies and my true love is sports. I don’t know why but he that’s just me.
See ya soon!!!
Carl, you ask: “How do you maintain a demanding workload, give your all to the relationships that mean so very much to you, devote time to the creative urges that nibble at your consciousness (or chomp down on your backside and won’t let go)? How do you enjoy each and every day for what it is in a way that doesn’t find you looking back and wondering what just happened to the last month?” My answer would be…I don’t know! I think that you need to include YOURSELF in giving your all to the relationships that mean so much, because I’m afraid you’re the one that most often gets short-changed. 2009 hasn’t been an easy year so far (I lost my father, too, 15 minutes before midnight on New Year’s Eve)…and all I can say is hang in there!
most of my life the things that always hellped me were: escaping into a book or movie, I did some writing for a few years, and sometimes deep hard cleaning that one doesn’t usually do.. to feel accomplished. But there are times none of them work well…but I do think some of that has to do with age and knowing time is no longer a friend.. so for now I am on “auto” and crying with my cat hoping I can somehow manage to keep booboo when all is said and done…
Next week is another bad one then maybe I’ll get a little break. St Patricks day is my brothers 70th birthday and the day after is one month David is gone. Constantly being alone doesn’t help… but.. one day at a time. who knows? maybe tomorrow the cat will answer me when I talk to him!
Stephanie: I can certainly relate to that. Overall I have had a really trauma free life as well, even in the work world. I think that more than anything has left me less than prepared for being overwhelmed. I’m not used to the feeling and it has been a rough adjustment. Again, nothing in comparison to what you went through and are going through, but I want to believe I can handle this situation, with support from my friends and family, so that when “real” crises occur I can get through it!
Jeff: I certainly do understand. And you are right, I do know that you are there but it doesn’t hurt to repeat it. I too like to get at least a couple of pages in each day, even if it is a day that I have too much going on. It is really automatic with me to read a bit every day and I love that it it a part of my life.
Since I know that you own a cat I will assume that “petting my cat” is actually petting your cat and not a euphemism for something else. 😉 Ha!!!
Janet: I knew there were others that I know well through this blogiverse that had lost loved ones, I’m sorry I forgot about you. I do remember reading about that on your blog back then and since it doesn’t seem that long since you’ve lost your mother, at least to me, I am all the more sorry for the loss of your father. And I do know it is important to be cognizant of oneself in the care giving. Sometimes I feel though that I am too focused on myself. Or maybe I’m not really giving myself quality time either and so all the relationships are being cheated.
Deslily: As I said in my email to you, there are a lot of ‘firsts’ in the coming year that will be hard. Same with Janet and the loss of her father as well as others of you. I can only imagine that those firsts will be very hard and I hope you lean on all of us out here to be a comfort and a listening ear when those times come. It is the thorn on the rose that so much pain is associated with the rich reward of loving someone.
If the cat starts answering you, just make sure its intentions are on the up and up! 🙂
Carl, you guys need to come to dinner! I’ll make you some soup. Or, better yet, we could grill! I’m tired of soup. When it’s warm we have lots more seating with the deck. I think you need to be harrassed by small children for an evening! Surely that would help! The park is within walking distance and swinging is one of my favorite stress reducers! LMK Oh, and we’re here for you. . . just pick up the dang phone.
We’ve had our overwhelming times this year (that feels like an understatement!). I have them daily as a mother to four! I find comfort in reading books by people about overcoming and being happy despite your circumstances, etc. I like to be cheered on and hear other people’s stories. Often their stories help put my circumstances into better perspective. I just read Scott Hamilton’s new book, The Great Eight, How to Be Happy (even when you have every reason to be miserable). He’s been through an incredible amount of adversity. Shocking really. It’s an encouraging, easy read.
I also LOVE Andy Andrews. He has been a great source of comfort to us. We should watch his video sometime together. It’s amazing. I want to read the rest of his books.
James is my number one comfort, as I am his. Outside of relationships here are a few things that comfort me:
1. Car rides. Feet on the dash, breeze in my hair. Heaven.
2. Songs about riding in cars or cars in general. Right now I’m addicted to Alabama’s toon ‘roll the window down, turn the radio up and let the wind blow through your hair’.
3. Brewing a pot of coffee.
4. Sitting in the dark an hour before the rest of the family gets up.
5. Daydreaming about running away. (ok, that one actually leaves me feeling frustrated!)
6. Critters.
7. Taking something ugly and making it beautiful.
8. Watching a movie as a family.
Oh, I forgot to mention podcasts. James and I have listened to lots of stuff this year. It has really helped. We really like Joel Osteen, Andy Stanley, Zig Ziglar among many others. There’s lots of good stuff out there that has really helped us keep our chins up. Thanks to James, he’s always filling us with encouraging stuff.
I’m sorry you’ve been having tough times. When bad things happen for me, I find that I don’t turn to the things that I love. I switch off. I go to work, come home, watch TV _ and that’s about it. That’s what I did when my Dad died, and that’s what I did a little bit earlier this year when I lost my TV column at work _ I know it’s not quite the same scale, but it was something I loved doing that was taken from me unexpectedly.
As for getting through every day … I work fulltime, am married and have a small son. I fight very hard every single day to maintain a sense of my own identity outside of those things. Most days it’s as simple as making time for reading, or bonding with one of our cats. It’s the little things, I think, that ultimately keep us going.
And when things seem really tough, and I feel like I want to stop altogether, I just say to myself: “keep moving … just keep moving”.
And that helps.
I hope you feel better.
Hey Carl,
I’d been wondering about you lately. I’m really sorry to hear you’ve been going through some rough times. I seek comfort in some of the same things you do: books, music, movies. Strangely enough, even blogging. I guess I’m the opposite of you and Chris in that regard. When things are difficult I’ve been known to throw myself into a hobby even more intensely, in the hopes of getting my mind off things. Of course, I do run the risk of turning something I love into a blanket to hide under, like you said. Anyway, I really hope things get better for you soon. We’ve missed you, you know. And I can’t wait for the already traditional excitement of OuAT to come around again. I think it will do us all good. As you know, it was your challenges that brought me into the blogging world, and in some ways they’re still my anchor.
I knew something had to going on since you haven’t been “around” lately. I hear you on the work front. At the moment, I’m working 2 jobs. The Red Cross, which has become a trying place to be lately. That is another story all it’s own. And I’ve been waiting tables. I actually enjoy the work there. Probably because I am a people person…and the money is pretty good. But the hours are starting to take it’s toll….at the moment, between the 2 it’s not unusual for me to put in close to 70 hours a week, and I can go 2 weeks without a day off. The toll that is taking on me can’t really be expressed.
When my husband lost his job 2 years ago, it really hit us hard. He worked in the auto manufacturing area….making close to $30/hour. Prior to his loss, he hurt himself there, and the stress of workman’s comp and the ensuing fight with the company left us burning through our savings. So when he did lose his job we were unprepared. He’s making about 1/3 of what he did, and his job now is by no means stable. So I certainly understand stress.
For me, I take comfort in my kids. I’m seeing them less and less these days….but when I am home, we spend good quality time. Last night we tripped to the library…and had ice cream cones after. Nothing much, but at least it was time together.
I wish I could say something that would help, but I don’t have any words of wisdom. Just take it day by day. We will always be out here, and don’t feel like you need to keep up with blogging when you need to be taking care of yourself. I’ve had to cut my blogging/reading in half, and it’s hard for me. I do find it a release. A release from the stress of my world. But everyone is different.
Just know we miss you!!
Stephanie: Every thing you said helped, really and truly. I didn’t actually start the post looking for profound answers anyway, it just morphed into what it was primarily because I started thinking about all the people who had lost loved ones recently and that started me on the path of taking the ‘comfort’ idea to a more personal level. But, even though I didn’t expect anything profound, I still have been touched by the hard truth that we all are going through rough times, we all have times where we feel lost a bit, and admitting that in any way is a really big step for me because I’ve never been that kind of person. Everyone’s support is incredible and I can only hope you are all taking comfort in each other because I don’t see your words as for me only, I see them as words for everyone.
I have almost always worked 2 jobs and I really feel your pain. Thankfully my second job is down to only one 8 hour shift a week. If I wasn’t so reckless with my spending for the greater majority of my adult life I wouldn’t have to do that. I used to work more hours like you are doing now and I certainly understand the toll it takes. I am so very sorry that you are having to do that. But I’m thrilled you are taking moments with your family to do the important things. It is funny you mentioned ice cream because as I was thinking about this subject the other day I was remembering all the times my parents took us out for ice cream when we were kids and even as adults. It is such a seemingly simple thing but the pleasure of those moments and the resulting memories are anything but simple. You are creating those memories for your children and that is amazing.
Nymeth: Thanks, I really do appreciate that. I do think of blogging as a comfort most of the time, but when I get really lost like this I am not taking time to pour myself into my hobbies…which is something that would actually prove worthwhile…I instead just get lost in other things. Using blogging as a way to work through stress, etc. is actually similar to using art to express/deal with emotions, in my opinion, and I want to find myself turning to those creative outlets in the future and not to disconnecting. You are ahead of the curve in that regard, Ana. That is great!
I too am really looking forward to Once Upon a Time III. These challenges have become so special to me because of the fact that I’ve met so many of you because of them and they are a delight to host even though they can be hard work. Just a few more days and the announcement will go up! Yay!!!
Maree: I already do feel better, thank you so much. What you describe is so much like what I see when I ‘come to’ after a period of zoning out. I look back and see that I’ve been in a pattern of going to work, coming home, plopping down at the tv or playing a computer game (which I love, but still…), staying up way too late, and then starting the cycle all over again. I am not an old man by any means, but I’m at the age when I need to start seriously thinking of attempting to get 8 solid hours of sleep per night. All the recent news about sleep and its relation to heart health has really got me thinking as well.
I see what you are saying about not comparing the loss of your father to the loss of your column, but on some level I sort of believe that loss is loss is loss, if that makes sense. I’m not sure why we feel the need to compare one loss to another, or our losses to someone else,s (as I’ve done several times in these comments), because pain is pain and struggles are just that, regardless of why they exist. Some hurt more and some take longer to heal, but all suffering sucks no matter how we are able to grow from it.
Jules: So glad you caught the soup reference as it most certainly was directed towards you, particularly in the recollection of the recent night you had us and the Smith’s over for that great night of soup and conversation.
I don’t know what James has been telling you, but he told me that I was his number one comfort!!! 😉
Seriously though, thank you so much for all you shared. A night with your kids is always strangely relaxing…something that probably doesn’t seem entirely possible when you have to be with them during their roughest moments as well as the ones that bring you joy.
Alabama! Ah…that brings back memories of my pre-teen and teenage years. The cathartic effect of listening to music one enjoys while driving with the windows down cannot be overemphasized. It really can’t. And I’m ready for the weather to stay nice so we can grill. I had planned to on Sunday and then it was too frickin’ cold and windy.
All: It had to be providential. I came home today after work and walked in to find my daughter watching Elizabethtown just at the part where Kirsten Dunst’s character sends Orlando Bloom’s character on that cathartic, soul-searching road trip, accompanied by mix cd’s with great music on them. I genuinely love that film, particularly that part of it. Watching it was the perfect thing for me after staring down this road with this post and all of your wonderful comments. There is a line in there that I hadn’t really caught properly before, something about not getting loss. It made me sit up and take notice because it was at a moment when he was finally experiencing the loss of his father and in a really interesting way the writer was encouraging a healthy experience of loss without “getting lost”. I’m sure I’m not making sense, but it moved me. Such an under-appreciated film!
Dear Carl, you are always reaching out to others and your enormous compassion means so much to so many of us. I’m sorry this has been a tough time for you. I suspected something was up, or that work was overwhelming everything else, when you got quiet for so long. I’m very much the same way, and withdraw for periods of time when the world gets to be too much for me. I find those withdrawls absolutely essential to my well-being, and have learned to honor them. I need the quiet comfort of home and loved ones, my books and my music, and solitude in order to “recharge” when everything has been drained from me. It sounds like you are just beginning to emerge from that healing cocoon…and it’s very nice to hear from you again. You were missed. Do take care of yourself…and give your new wings time to dry.
Thanks for this, Carl. I’m going to keep my thoughts on this one to myself. It has been a rough winter.
I’ve always had comfort reads. Books that I’ll go back to time and again. But in recent years tv, especially dvd boxsets have turned into great “stop thinking about things” yokes (I can’t speak/type today. Brain is mushy). You can watch as much, or as little as you want and if you space and miss something, well you can simply rewind.
But I also find that just going out for a walk is a great way to clear your head. Although I guess that’s not really a comfort. But still 🙂
Fence: I’m not sure about that Fence, I think taking a walk to clear one’s head is definitely a comfort….unless of course you are walking in a torrential downpour or 6 feet of snow!
I love watching television shows via the dvd box set. Probably a sign of the ‘instant gratification’ culture, but I would much rather be able to indulge in a mood I have for a certain show at a certain time by watching several episodes in a row rather than go week to week. Which is why only a handful of shows…House, Fringe…get the weekly viewing treatment from me.
Stacey: I’m so sorry that it has been a rough winter and I certainly understand you wanting to keep mum on the subject. The space is here if you ever want to vent, but you are certainly more than welcome if you don’t.
Robin: Learning to honor them…Exactly! That is what I was trying to get at. I want to be able to be cognizant when these things happen so that I can allow the healing power of taking a break to really work. Maybe it is just a control issue, but I’d rather be aware of what was going on with me at the time so that I can learn to allow myself needed breaks. Thank you for the very encouraging words, I appreciate them greatly.
Sorry to hear things have been tough. A brief retreat is often exactly the needed thing though! It’s having that time and brain space to let the new patterns of things settle down when too much seems to be changing all at once. I think there’s a lot to be said for the Quaker ideas about silence.
Friends, whether those in your physical world or your internet ones, are so central. I didn’t quite realise that until last year when everything seemed to collapse. I held up my hands and let myself fall, but arms reached in from all directions to catch me. I will always be grateful and sincerely hope that I am as good a friend to all of them in my time. And then I was back on my feet. And with them, a retreat into favourite books, films and hiding under duvets all have their place! That and the conviction that things will get better. Because that’s what things do. xx
Stormfilled: I’ve gotten an unexpected brief retreat from work over the past 2 days because of a sore throat and high fever. Guess my body decided it was time for a rest as well and, contrary to what I usually do when I am sick, I’ve actually been getting some rest and it has been nice.
Silence? What’s that? 🙂 I too think being quiet and taking quiet time is important and is something I do not do nearly enough of.
Friends are indeed the key. Its all about relationships when it comes down to it, it really is. Having people around to prop you up when you feel like falling and to encourage you when you most need it is so important. And I think it is equally important to have people around you who will share in your joys and triumphs as well.
And you are right. Things do get better. Sometimes we just need to be reminded to keep our eyes focused ahead and not on all the storms that are raging around us at the moment.
My dear friend Jules stopped by to help my daughter out with something today and, knowing that I was sick, she brought me a gift that she found while hitting the shops today:
Isn’t it great! And though she didn’t necessarily know this, Empire Strikes Back is my favorite of the films which makes this especially fun. I am drinking my Sierra Mist out of it right now! So fun, thanks Jules!
Carl,
Sorry to hear you are having a tough time. I suspected as much when the blogs were few and far between.
For me, I take pleasure out of some of the silliest things, or at least, these are the things that bring a smile to my face/make me happy
A perfect piece of toast with a perfect cup of tea (a rare and beautiful thing – when the butter has all melted into the toast but it’s still warm and crunchy and the cup of tea has cooled just enough that it’s just drinkable – getting those two things together is like aligning stars!)
The smell of fresh cut grass. Love it.
Scuba diving. There’s something so unique and other-wordly about it. A sense of isolation with just the sound of your own breathing, but so much to see.
Putting on a favorite instrumental track, sticking on headphones, turning out the lights and cranking it up LOUD!
Movies that are so good they give me goose bumps.
Old photographs of my travels (they always bring back good memories)
Sometimes if I’m in a muddle or in the middle of an emotional mess, I’ll just go for a long walk, find a park bench and sit for a while, just watching the world go by. I’m not sure by the time I’m done sitting whether I’ve figured everything out in my head by then, but just that hour or two of peace and quiet has a calming effect. It seems to stop the world spinning.
Writing. Sometimes just putting how I feel down on paper is like a physical purging of what’s going on inside. Often I’ll just trash what I wrote, but it gives me the sense of at least giving my feelings a voice and getting them out of my system.
I think writing (beyond blogging) would be a great release for you Carl. As I said in the new year posts early in 2008, you have a great talent for being succinct yet articulate with your words – and this post is a great demonstration of that. It’s one of the things that draws people back to your blog. I think there’s a novel in you just waiting to break out 🙂
Hope things perk up.
It’s funny, after reading your post the other day, things have been leaping out at me. Last night I saw “Watchmen” and this line stuck in my memory:
“Things are tough all over, it rains on the just and the unjust alike.”
and then today, as I was reading Richard K. Morgan’s “Altered Carbon” – which is great by the way:
“Take what is offered, and that must sometimes be enough.”
Both seem very pertinent given the current climes.
Carl I’m sorry to hear you’ve been going through some rough times and I do hope things get better soon.
You ask what we do in times of stress …
I tend to take comfort in reading (no surprise there), but when things are particularly bad I too return to old favorites. I often go back and read again the “Princess of Mars” books by Burroughs since I can really disappear into them and I have such good memories of the first read through. I’m just as likely to pull my Jan Karon “Mitford” books off the shelf to read since Mitford and its characters are soothing to me. My husband is aware of my stress levels with work, etc. and he treats me (us) to sushi and Asahi or hot tea each Friday night at the peaceful sushi bar near our house. He is such a blessing in my life.
Carl, your post was beautiful and timely. Thank you for being so open. Peace and blessings.
Terri: The Mitford books are really soothing, aren’t they. I have read the first 3 or 4 and really enjoyed them and my wife is a big fan. And John Carter! What could be more fun than that kind of classic pulp adventure?!?!
You are welcome, thanks for sharing your thoughts. It felt good to admit feeling overwhelmed. That has always been a hard thing for me to do. I have always battled that “lone wolf” feeling and have had to learn that it is important to open up to people and to ask for help. I certainly wouldn’t go so far as to say I’ve gotten good at it, but I’m getting better.
Stuart: Great quotes. It is funny because I have never interpreted that verse of the Bible in a negative light and yet if you read it in context in Matthew, it first says God causes the sun to rise on the just and the unjust and then goes into the rain. I’ve always looked at that verse about rain to be something positive, like farmers need rain for crops to grow. Anyway, that has little to do with anything but I found it interesting.
Its good to hear someone say something about crunchy toast! There seem to be far too few people in the world that like their toast crunchy and that, my friends, is a problem!
The smell of fresh cut grass is amazing! I feel bad for those whose allergies act up from it because it is such a pleasant smell.
I have not been scuba diving, but I have been snorkeling in Hawaii, and I am sure if I lived there I would not be doing anything else but snorkeling and learning to scuba dive in my free time. The ocean is just too fascinating to stay away from.
Loud music–definitely a plus when it comes to trying to either drown out a bad mood or psyche oneself up!
All great ideas Stuart, thanks for sharing.
I’m glad you are enjoying sipping out of your very own ‘sicky cup’!
Jules: I certainly am! Stuart’s talk of toast made me hungry, so I just made some nice crisp toast, let the butter melt in just so, and accompanied it with sierra mist from my ESB glass!!!
Carl, I know how you feel with work and stress and unhappy things taking over life sometimes. I find that I tend to disconnect from people at such times too and instead read something comforting. For me, it can be Zelazny’s Amber series or Enid Blyton’s children’s books.
I think most people go through such periods and most friends understand. It’s also important to take breaks, put away work every so often even if there’s a lot and take an evening off to do social things you enjoy. Eventually things get better.
Good luck, and hope things will improve for you soon.
Maria: Thanks, I’m sure they will. In fact I think they already are improving. Even though it has put me behind a bit, I have actually benefited from being off sick these past two days because I have caught up on my rest, done a lot of blogging and blog visiting which has felt wonderful, and even did a few work things to keep myself from getting too far behind. Plus I’ve read some comics and some books. With the rest and the wonderful encouragement here I will no doubt be geared up to conquer the work mountain next week.
hi carl-
(thanks for stopping by my blog recently… I keep up with yours but don’t comment as much as I should!). This is a very moving post and I totally know what you mean. My life the past two years has been exceptionally stressful and scary. It’s so hard to find ways to take care of yourself during these hard times, but I have really ‘gotten’ it lately that it is SO IMPORTANT. Reading old favorites is definitely high on the list. I find Lord Of The Rings immensely comforting whether it’s the 10th or 20th time I’ve read the series. Also older tales like those by Thornton Burgess and Hundred Acre Woods stories… I just have to stop DOING. Crawl in bed for the day and do nothing but read, or take a hot bath, and eat cookies and toast, and maybe watch a movie (something like The Princess Bride) while bundled in all the comfy blankies in the house… I tend to take on too many responsibilities and I just have to let it go and let everyone get their own dinner and take care of their own selves while I do nothing but snuggle and read and nibble.
If it’s a beautiful day, taking a hike, even a short one, also seems to help clear my mind and reset priorities. I also have recently realized that I need more screen-free time. Computers start to hurt my brain.
Hope you feel better soon. You are missed!
Daphne
Hi Carl, I am glad you are back from your respite, and feeling better. Hopefully the weekend will put the final touches on good physical health for you. It’s almost the first day of spring – that’s always good. Take care. 🙂
1. I hope better times come your way soon.
2. Your photos for this post are awesome.
3. I am very VERY jealous of your TESB glass (it is my favorite Star Wars flick too).
Carl,
I am glad you are back. I check in now and than and noticed an absence and I am sorry it is due to stress, work, grief, etc. This is the 3rd birthday without Jenn and I am really feeling it. So what I do when I need comfort is I dance. I dance to oldben’s band Happy Anarchy. Sometimes it helps but today was a little harder so reading your post was somewhat comforting. Of course, I know a melt down is coming and keep
putting it off but usually I feel better after so I guess that’s a comfort. One foot in front of the other…..
You have many dear friends in the blogging world. How lucky!
Love,
Cynthia